athameblade

2009-06-07T22:04:00.000-07:00

From my reading:

Making others change
A common method people use to force someone to change their way - or make a shift – is to
imply that they are bad or wrong. “This isn’t right, why can’t you do it this way?” Often this is done
in a subtle way. Simply questioning their choice in a particular tone of voice can be enough to
make someone question their judgement and defer to our judgement. As coaches we believe that
the client is the expert in his or her life. We want them to exercise their judgement, not rely on
ours.

Another way people try to bring about change is to revert to coercion; pressuring or even
threatening others to get something done. Some people believe that coercing others is a sign of
strength or even confidence. Nothing could be further from the truth. If we are secure and
confident in our own lives, we are able to allow others to make their own choices. Our self worth
is not caught up in making others do what we want, even if we think it is in their best interests.

Yet another way people try to make someone change is the “guilt trip”: making someone feel
guilty for not acting in a particular way. “If you don’t do it this way something bad will happen and
it will be your fault.” This is perhaps the most damaging of all because it sacrifices a person’s allimportant
sense of self for little gain. The person may be motivated by guilt to achieve a small
goal, but the damage to their confidence or self esteem will prevent them from coping with the
substantial or important challenges in their life.

These techniques all work occasionally to bring about change in others but only in the short term.
None of them assist people to make meaningful or long-term changes in their lives. Generally
they will lead to enough superficial change to get the other person off their back before they
default back to their previous behaviour. All of them disempower and deskill the other person in
managing their own lives, the very opposite of what we want the coaching relationship to
achieve!!

Copyright 2002 International Coach Academy Pty. Ltd. 1
Use is governed by the Terms and Conditions at http://www.icoachacademy.com

2009-06-01T01:04:00.000-07:00

I've decided I don't like being a therapist and am switching careers. The reasons are mainly these two:

1) All the concentrated social interaction tires me too much to do this sustainably and have enough weekly clients to make a decent living. (Even having just 5 drains me more than it should for any normal person.) It's not the emotions that drain me but the sensory overstimulation, mental multitasking, and endurance of listening to one person for that long without having any sensory respite or specifically interesting mental stimulation to replace the sensory activity.

2) I find listening to emotional problems boring because this isn't directly a goal-oriented activity with structure. (That is, assuming one's style is spontaneous and ready to follow the client's needs. And I do think this is beneficial because they know instinctively what they need to heal. Your agenda is less helpful and even disempowering.) That's the only way I'd be mentally engaged and interested in the process. It's not necessarily because the content of what they're saying bores me (although it often does because I've never been into biographies). It's the need for me to pull everything into the feelings world when I'm much more comfortable and entertained in the thinking world. Sure, there's cognitive-behavioral therapy as an option for one's therapy orientation (my original favorite, aside from Bowen's systems theory), but that doesn't heal people too well by fostering a relationship without shaming them. Changing thinking style is something people can learn to do on their own without a relationship with another human being (like I did). Most people who come to therapy fundamentally want to be re-parented because they didn't get all their basic emotional needs met as kids (generalization, despite exceptions). I'm not interested in parenting kids or adults, even though I do value the process so it can finally be done and lead to moving on. It's just not where my mind naturally goes while around people with whom I don't have any personal relationship, and I feel like I have to fake it in order to give them what they need.

So I'm embarking on a career in relationship coaching and executive coaching. All coaching is about helping people reach their goals by holding them accountable, and it's much more at the thinking level. Plus, it's typically done over the phone, which removes the sensory problem, and can be even more lucrative than therapy practice. I'm in a training program that's accredited by the International Coach Federation - the central certifying body for coaches that lends credibility in a field that isn't yet government regulated. This will take me 6-9 months, and I also have to accumulate hours and get 2 letters of recommendation to apply for my credential. Thankfully, there's no time limit to these tasks, and the hours aren't as numerous as those for becoming a licensed therapist.

I'm also planning on doing a Ph.D in Professional Coaching & Human Development with a specialization in Global Executive Coaching at the International University of Professional Studies after this current training program. I was originally going to do my Psy.D, which is a clinical practice doctor of psychology degree, but the content would now be irrelevant to my career direction. Since all the doors are opening for this new(ish) career, I can have my pick of degree type without worrying about licensing requirements. Of course I want to do the degree that will best inform me to help my clients in specific ways. I'm thinking of specializing in conflict management and interpersonal skills in the workplace. The reason I chose relationships and executives as my focus is they both require a systems orientation. I prefer tracking patterns over helping individuals in deep ways (identity, self-esteem, purpose, emotion management, etc.).

This is very exciting! I feel so much relief and passion and can't stop studying the subjects every single day without breaks (for now, as that'll calm down). I read that the best way to find out if you'd like being a coach is to find out if you enjoy being coached. I've now had 3 coaching sessions of my own and, incidentally, I do enjoy it when the coach is good and gives me structure and throught-provoking questions. My training program requires peer coaching for 12 sessions, so I'll be having more and also giving some.

That above way of finding out suitability is probably also applicable to becoming a therapist. I didn't really get into therapy personally and only needed very specific things from psychologists (like my AS diagnosis), then I was done. But I could easily get into a longer process of coaching.

2009-04-29T23:07:00.001-07:00

Negative Heels and Totally Flat Shoes for Women
A description of my favorite Earth brand negative heel shoes and various brands of completely flat shoes with zero incline for comfort, joint relief, and back health.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1660883/negative_heels_and_totally_flat_shoes.html

2009-04-27T15:08:00.000-07:00

My Miss California rant

By now, I’m sure almost everyone heard about Miss California’s controversial answer to Perez Hilton’s question on the Miss USA 2009 pageant. If you haven't: he asked her if she thought the rest of the states should legalize gay marriage.

While Miss California had every right to express her own opinion and can be given points for courage, she wasn't very diplomatic for someone in a pageant, nor did she consider her judges and audience while selecting her wording. Even if one didn’t need to be diplomatic and fully representative as Miss USA, she should have considered this: People, as always, have strong feelings about their views, and judges are fallible as many humans are in that they may not always have the ability to differentiate thoughts from feelings within short moments of time. Of course, they're going to vote against someone whose statements piss them off. She still came pretty far by making second place, though, meaning she wasn't actually "disqualified" as Bill O'Reilly thinks. Judging a pageant is so subjective anyway.

It's not what she said, it's how she said it. So I'm with Perez on that aspect. She even stated in interviews afterward that she would have phrased it differently if she could do it again and that she was too nervous to think as well as she would have liked. Do I wish her style of thinking could be thrown in the garbage like last week's moldy leftovers? Yes, of course. But had she answered it more generally and maybe, following that, added her personal view as an ending note, I wouldn't have had as much problem with her.

I don't give her intelligence points because she doesn't differentiate between church and state marriage - just as our current system doesn't, unfortunately. If it were me answering the question, I'd have said let people have their religious marriages however they like (most traditional religions being heterosexist for procreation reasons and to avoid the discomfort and threat of change without adequate knowledge), but civil marriages can't exclude a certain subgroup and be just in the American way at the same time. (Civil unions don’t bestow the same benefits as marriage, as the system stands. Why don’t we just call all legal marriages “civil unions” and call ceremonial marriages “marriage”?) The developments of this day and age have become a wake-up call that the institution has violated this separation principle in a way that has been taken for granted. And there's more than enough documented empirical evidence that gay unions and gay-headed families do not harm society or create more gays.

The other thing that bothered me about her answer was the way she said people "choose" to have same-sex marriages, which gave me the sense that she also believes sexual orientation is a choice. (It turned out my intuition was right, since I read this later: http://perezhilton.com/2009-04-27-did-she-really-just-say-that) Again, there's evidence saying otherwise: it's biologically hardwired, and if people can choose which gender to date, it means they're wired a priori to be bisexual. A major brain structure determining sexual preference – a part of the hypothalamus - has varying sizes among the sexual orientations, and correspondence between size and orientation can be experimentally induced in animals. The list goes on...

But it's so much more convenient not to bother looking up this sort of information, isn’t it?

Easier to simply think that if you’re straight and you want to be, then everyone else can be whatever they want to be. (As opposed to hiding what they naturally and unchangeably are versus not hiding it, based on social pressure. Or just choosing the socially acceptable route if you’re bi.)

2009-04-07T22:28:00.001-07:00

6 of the Best Herbs and Supplements for Relaxation, Anxiety and Insomnia
Certain herbs, minerals, and homeopathic supplements have a calming, relaxing effect that may be useful for frayed nerves, restlessness, anxiety, overstimulation and insomnia. These are a few favorites that I use on a regular basis.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1610642/6_of_the_best_herbs_and_supplements.html

How to Deal with Emotions and Relationships

2009-03-30T19:41:00.001-07:00

How to Deal with Emotions and Relationships
Using emotions as tools for healthy decision-making, mood improvement, conflict resolution and relationship improvement.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1599516/how_to_deal_with_emotions_and_relationships.html

My first article on AC.

2009-03-26T20:13:00.001-07:00

2 Natural Supplements that Can Ease Your Need for Health Insurance
Learn why 2 surprisingly obscure methods to maintaining your health will save you from needing to visit the doctor due to sickness and various other problems.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1592559/2_natural_supplements_that_can_ease.html

Me on Associated Content

2009-03-25T00:49:00.001-07:00

Laura McMillian's Source Page - Associated Content

http://www.associatedcontent.comuser/474985/laura_mcmillian.html

2009-03-04T23:48:00.001-08:00

As usual, I'm holding more supplement experiments. The problems I've identified to work on at the moment are: very mild allergy to my hairless cat (itchy nose and throat once every few days), reduced sugar craving (relates to weight), immune challenges (sickness, infection), reduced overstimulation, and general anti-aging/well-being.

Allergy situation: Leukotriene inhibition

I found out that the prescription drug Singulair works by inhibiting leukotrienes (thank god it's not one of the many antihistamines, which always make me feel horrible no matter what). So I set out to find natural supplements that do the same thing, partly because I don't like being beholden to a doctor for my solution and partly because natural things are more holistic and have more chance of working out for me without side effects, although I get them from all kinds of things anyway.

The supplements I came up with are boswellia (aka: frankincense) extract with high AKBA content, evening primrose oil, and the gamma form of vitamin E (since the alpha form doesn't affect leukotrienes). The first two absolutely worked to a good degree but caused me bad side effects. I'm trying the last option very soon (would have been my first had I known about it sooner). I like erring on the side of basic, necessary nutrients, not arbitrary, non-essential ones. So fingers crossed there.

Sugar cravings: Potassium

I figured out that I always lose weight when I go to Utah, even without changing any habits. The drinking water tastes kind of strange there, so I inquired about it and learned that potassium chloride is used in the house's water softener. Taking potassium helps me lose weight and possibly eat less. (Although I wonder how much of it has to do with water balance.) I've been toying with potassium chloride and potassium citrate. Taking too much at once overstimulates me and burns my tongue, so I'm trying out diluting a capsule in plenty of water and drinking a little bit a day or every other day (maybe just a teaspoon) . It does help me feel better, and I've been motivated to clean and organize my house more as well - an unexpected benefit. Also, many people have been complimenting me on my bright skin, even though I can't see any difference. But I still need to watch what happens long-term. It may be irritating my stomach, but that may be something else...

Immunity: "Miracle Mineral Supplement," or activated oxygen solution mixed with an acid

I found this drinkable antibiotic accidentally, and I don't even remember how. I stumbled upon Jim Humble's site, of which I was skeptical at first because of the lack of well-known establishment and poor quality of writing in the free ebook. But since I already had an activated oxygen supplement in my house (really just sodium chlorite), I decided to try mixing it with vinegar, waiting the 3 minutes, diluting with water, and drinking it. It really does wipe out any oncoming cold or flu. I was amazed. This is something I can't just will away (placebo effect). Even when I take it expecting it not to work, it does work every time. It helped my mom too when I visited and she felt the early signs of a flu. The next morning, she was right back to normal. I now buy MMS solution off amazon.com for relatively cheap and use apple cider vinegar as the acid. (The active agent is the chlorine dioxide formed after the reaction, and it's NOT the same as bad chlorine as in swimming pools. It leaves no undesirable leftovers in the body.)

Reduced overstimulation: homeopathic potassium bromide (kali brom)

I stumbled upon this stuff on the Internet accidentally and learned that it used to be used as an anti-seizure medication and sedative for people and dogs. For some reason, it's used homeopathically for acne and incontinence. I'm a bit afraid to use too much because one can have bromide overload.

But I tried it for the first time last night anyway (1 tiny pellet), and it was wonderful! For the first 20-30 minutes, I was giggling like a little kid about nothing. After that was done, I was deliciously relaxed and serene. I fell asleep on my couch for 2 hours because my feeling of overstimulation from counseling clients just melted away into a serenity one would normally feel from meditating for half an hour - just a feeling of simplicity and calm. The feeling lasted until the early afternoon, but I was fully functional at work.

Tonight, I was supposed to have dinner with a group of people and again felt overstimulated from the work day's social interaction. I was on the verge of canceling but then cautiously took half a pellet, went down there, and had a grand time as if there was no problem in the first place. I'm pleased but still cautious. At the least, I'll use it once or twice a week.

Anti-aging/well-being: Alkaline Water

After reading extensively about how an overly acidic body contributes to aging, age-related disease, poor energy, weight problems, weakened immunity, cancer, etc, etc, I've decided to try a water additive supplement. I hope this isn't just a gimmick, but it's Sang Whang's site I've mostly been reading. I figure, as long as there isn't any risk in trying, might as well experiment and observe. No venture, no gain.

His product contains potassium hydroxide and sodium hydroxide but, since I've already got a separate experiment going for potassium, I opted for a sodium hydroxide only supplement. It has no flavor that I can detect. So TBA on that one too. I remember over a decade ago when I was just starting out as vegan (and hadn't hit the malnutritioned phase yet) and also when I more recently experimented with fasting that I felt so free and clear, energy-wise. I hope that's the same feeling to be gotten from alkalizing, as they claim there will be.

Update: After 2 days of alkaline drop use, my pH testing strip results went from very acidic (5.0) to significantly more alkaline (about 6.6)! That's something.

2009-01-12T17:13:00.000-08:00

I figured out that the metal I'm using for my piercings isn't compatible with my body, thanks to zeolite. I couldn't understand why the zeolite would make my lymph nodes very swollen and sore, then not really make me feel much better after it died down. I had an infection in a couple piercings and didn't even know it until the zeolite "inspired" my body to fight it more fiercely. The holes did look a bit inflamed, but I thought that was just because I had stretched them. I was wrong.

Who'd have thought titanium would cause this reaction, being known for its surgical grade and biocompatibility? I thought I was so clever avoiding steel for that reason, but turns out my body likes neither.

I quickly ordered some niobium pieces online, since I remember that always worked perfectly for me in the past (specifically in a tender piercing before that quickly got better upon switching). It's just a less common body jewelry material, so it's hard to find in stores. Today, I was tired of feeling generally too crappy and sick for work, so I went on a wild goose chase for some niobium jewelry in nearby stores. I have a lot of clients to see tomorrow and want to recover overnight rather that wait 2 or more days for the mailed ones. I called about 20 stores, but only 2 carried what I needed. When I got to the nearest one, the guy wasn't there for about 30-45 minutes. So I walked around to other stores and came back. It was worth the wait because he gave me a great deal, since his store is moving. And I already feel much better physically after a few hours of having the niobium in.

If I ever want to try a new piercing again, I now know better. No more need to abandon piercings because they don't seem to be doing well. I may need to repierce my navel for the millionth time to get that 4-way arrangement back, since I only have the bottom one left. That area never hurts me much anyway. It only hurts my wallet.

2009-01-11T00:48:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to post where I am with the zeolite experiment, mostly so that I can keep track for myself.

Besides increased tolerance for socializing over longer periods, I'm aiming for lessened tendency toward sensory overstimulation and a stronger immune system (since I catch a cold very quickly after being overstimulated for too long, such as socializing heavily two days in a row or sleep deprivation). Mercury cripples the immune system AND contritubes to sensory overstimulation. This is why I hold the theory that removing it with this product should help. Lots of others have noticed improvements in their classically autistic children, and there are clinical studies in progress.

The powder I mentioned before did help to an extent, but it ended up hurting my stomach, which always gives me a headache, keeping me away from people for another reason. I experienced some detox symptoms, noticed myself beginning to gain greater tolerance for socializing over longer periods of time, and I still have more energy to keep my home cleaner than before as I predicted. But I have doubts that it will grab enough mercury (if any) from my brain like the liquid product does, according to studies. So I'm abandoning my anti-establishment stance to give the most popular yet more expensive product a try. The molecule is said to be no larger than 5 microns, enabling it to pass through the blood-brain barrier. The powder only cleans out the digestive system, which is fine if that's all you want. (I learned through google that the internal diameter of a brain microcapillary is 6 microns, but powders are rarely below that. Good old Google M.D.)

The liquid zeolite makers (Waiora) also cite results showing that about 60% is absorbed into the bloodstream, meaning the rest stays in the digestive tract. Although I'd be taking a lot less at a time, I'm still concerned about the cramping. So I'm using it transdermally. It should be absorbed through the skin, since it's so refined. I received it in the mail today and used 3 drops earlier in the day and 3 more later in the day. I dropped the liquid on my wrist and rubbed onto my neck. I don't know if it's just placebo or other factors, but I feel more energetic now that it's the end of the first day. Will need to continue using for longer to get a full and realistic picture.

It's like a clear, clean sort of energetic feeling, not a dirty, adrenaline-based one as if on coffee. If this has real effects on me, it seems that the solution to the problem was not to add but to take away...

2008-12-29T19:23:00.000-08:00

I'm seeing some great improvements on a new supplement, and just in time for my new year's eve party.

I've started taking zeolite powder (brand name: Zeolite Pure by Zeo Health) in water daily for the past 4 days, but I started noticing a significant change yesterday - the third day. Fatigue and overstimulation are melting away, and my energy is freeing up so much that I'm able to clean my place properly. Believe me, it's become quite cluttered since living in this high energy city that ends up depleting me. But, this stuff is cleaning out something inside me that was slowing me down and making me prone to stomach sickness and colds.

It removes heavy metals from the body, but I have a hard time believing that's already happening after only a few days. Still, it would make sense that mercury is leaving my body, since sensory overstimulation is a symptom of mercury toxicity. And overstimulation is what weakens the immune system.

A ton of information on the benefits can be found on www.liquidzeolite.org, although this is mostly a propaganda site for the liquid version that has less of the active ingredient than the powder version (see the clarification on the Zeo Health site).

This stuff even shrinks tumors by turning off the cancer growth gene - information that was timely for me to learn because my aunt Wilma's boyfriend has cancers of all kinds and is going in for intensive treatment. I offered her this information today, and she was grateful. Hopefully, my help will come to fruition here.

It's FDA approved as safe and has been used for 20 years for water purification and as an addition to cattle feed to improve their health. Right now, that company who makes the liquid version called NCD is seeking a patent to establish its use as a cancer treatment, since the FDA doesn't allow sellers to make cure claims otherwise. There is really no need to go farther than the over-the-counter powder form, which is what the original research is based on. The liquid sellers are just trying to make an excess of money and, only recently, have trials on their version begun. Still, I'd be glad if doctors started recommending this product instead of overly aggressive treatments that don't get to the root of the problem.

This doctor uses it in his practice for cancer, autism, and Asperger:
Dr. Prociuk's audio blurbs

I've recommended that my dad use it to treat his diabetes, since I've read about some users whose diabetes have pretty much disappeared (if they're true and not planted by advertisers). It's said to absorb excess glucose, preventing blood sugar spikes. He may be able to lower his insulin requirement.

Well, I hope to continue seeing gains over the next few weeks and months. What I like about it is that it won't cause any side effects because the zeolite molecule is inert and insoluble in the body. It simply absorbs the unwanted particles (heavy metals, toxins, excess glucose, hydronium, etc.) and leaves the body in 5-7 hours without a trace. I've had problems with other supplements before when they've accumulated and given me uncomfortable side effects the more I used them. No longer have to worry about that.

Now, my fear is if, for some reason, availability of this substance decreases and I can't keep using it! But I know there are ways of producing it synthetically if mining no longer works out. If this is my long-term solution, I wish I could have had it 20 years ago! My Asperger might never have been an issue.

Update:
Toward the latter part of the day, I started to feel very sleepy despite getting enough rest last night. This is known to be part of the detoxing process. It's probably candida die-off, which means it would theoretically be easier to lose weight after the process is over. Those damn last 5 lbs...or maybe 10, knowing me.

2008-12-04T22:00:00.000-08:00

I've terminated my own personal therapy after about 3 months of good experiences. This is the e-mail I wrote my now former therapist:

"As a good sign, I'm thinking of taking a brief break from therapy and coming back again later. For me, the urge to be in treatment goes in waves depending on what issue I'm aware of that needs resolving and where I am in that process. I came to you for official recognition of my Asperger and for validation of that in the context of my every day life experiences. I have gotten that, happily, and a lot of tension has been lifted. I feel stronger in my acceptance of the symptoms I can't change yet still very motivated to work on the ones I possibly can improve upon. The other areas of my life are, of course, rich, but I'm doing pretty well at handling them, I think.

I would like to continue with you again, though, since I feel things went so well. Possibly in a couple months, I will contact you to return. I may try group therapy in the mean time, since that's still a new and challenging process for me.

Let me know if you would like any more feedback or if you feel you'd like to comment on anything you've observed. I'd be happy to oblige. Also, thanks for the letter and for signing my jury duty form. I'll let you know if anything happens in relation to those too."

So that's that.

However, I'm now thinking of seeking out online therapy and going for a Gestalt therapist - like the kind of therapist I'm now becoming. It's a totally different and, in my opinion, better approach. Not sure if I can find one who happens to do sessions online, though, since a lot of the work involves noticing what's happening in the moment. Can't see body language over the 'net. I'd have to describe it, but that's very dependent on my awareness of it, which may be lacking. So a local one may do. Just not yet, since I really do need a break and am feeling good. Of course, feeling good isn't contraindicated to being in therapy, since it's an ongoing process of building self-awareness in a relational setting.

What I got from having my Asperger officially recognized is the knowledge that my self-awareness is worth something - that I'm not delusional about myself because I was actually right that I've had it all my life. So now I can more solidly trust my intuitions, needs, self-perceptions, and feelings. Other people's denials won't diminish my determination so much. It's nice to not be affected when people try to invalidate your self-knowledge. I can stand my ground now, and that goes for all parts of my experience and not just my AS.

2008-12-04T21:32:00.000-08:00

They're really puffing up my profession in this e-mail I received. But, of course, they would...

The theme of the 2009 Annual AAAMFT Conference will be:

"MFT: The Difference That Makes the Difference"

MFTs are part of a distinctive and unique profession. The difference in our training, the difference in our theories and the difference in our interventions makes a difference in our clients' lives. Consumers, businesses, and the mental health community have increasingly appreciated the MFT difference. Many employers are now expressing a preference for MFT trained therapists. In fact, competing professions, understanding the majority of clients list relational problems as their primary concern, fight for the title of "Family Therapist," or the right to claim they are qualified to deliver relational interventions. Marriage and family therapists, embracing the uniqueness of this profession, have tremendous opportunities to establish themselves as valued healthcare providers. The difference of MFT is not a secret. The National Institutes of Mental Health recognizes marriage and family therapists as a "core" mental health profession, along with psychiatry, psychology, social work, and psychiatric nursing. Forty-eight states and the District of Columbia also recognize MFT as a distinct profession through licensure. Despite this overwhelmingly professionally established identity, challenges continue as some—even in our own professional community—suggest that MFTs are not unique, or that family intervention are merely a subspecialty of other disciplines. We seek abstracts for presentations that specifically address these issues, focusing on the differences that make the difference.

Maybe when I'm licensed, I'll go to one of these and get continuing education credits. In the mean time, I've gotten my MFT intern number, so it's official that I'm accumulating my hours now. I'm just not getting many client assignments yet at my current training site so, if it doesn't pick up there, I'm considering working under someone's private practice as well. I need to get those hours under my belt, since there's a deadline.

2008-11-08T01:17:00.000-08:00

I’m reading and learning about how to engage in Gestalt processes for my counseling work, but it definitely applies to any relationship in which there is plentiful sharing. So I’m writing this for those who may find these ideas helpful in their personal lives. What I’m learning is mostly about “bracketing” your biases so they don’t interfere with open discussion, transparently sharing your reactions to immediate, here-and-now moments (at the physical, emotional, and thought level) in a 2-way street manner (ex: when the client says something, eve the therapist says it made him or her feel a certain way), and trying to increase awareness of how context affects the individual (context includes biological, environmental, social, societal, etc.) so that essentialism does not become destructive (that is, thinking certain qualities are essential to you, not noticing that something happened to you that had an impact).

I am pleased to remember that, just before beginning my current training program/internship, I was starting to think about how important awareness is for increasing free will (via allowing a greater number of options to become apparent). I had little idea of what was in store until now, since Pepperdine only passed over the Gestalt approach very briefly in a couple courses. But it’s considered one of the more cutting edge approaches of our day and much divorced from the old psychoanalytic approaches that are very authoritarian, detached, and even a bit arrogant about maintaining theoretical bias. (What bothers me most is that anyone who hears I practice in the field of psychology always feels the need to ask me about Freud and worries that I’ll “psychoanalyze” him or her. No, I don’t follow that weirdo, even if he did lay a lot of foundation.) There’s no room for genuine interaction involving fact-checking and experience-checking in these old approaches, nor do they encourage the therapist to examine how he or she is affecting the client in the moment. It’s that observer influencing the observed phenomenon, which I’ve seen and experienced personally and professionally.

The reason that stubbornly clinging to a theoretical approach isn’t always helpful is that it imposes your view on someone else in a way that may be experienced as unempathic and ultimately unhelpful. You may totally miss what they’re saying and experiencing if you have another pre-set story running in your head that may be about other kinds of people, not the person before you. And it is been established that empathy and accurate understanding are the key elements in successful therapy. There’s a lovely little concept called…

PARADOXICAL THEORY OF CHANGE: “that change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not. Change does not take place through a coercive attempt by the individual or by another person to change him, but it does take place if one takes the time and effort to be what he is -- to be fully invested in his current positions. By rejecting the role of change agent, we make meaningful and orderly change possible.”
-From http://www.gestalt.org/arnie.htm

I love how that makes my job easier. Just accept yourself as you are right now, and what will be may change for the better. Works in romance too; accept your partner as he or she is right now, and he or she will become better adjusted and more cooperative. Honestly, I didn’t believe it until I saw it, and now I’m relieved to know this really occurs.

The other thing about making therapy about increasing self- and situational-awareness is that it makes the idea of therapy less daunting to those who resist the notion of “being changed” by a therapist, which implies there is something wrong with them. Especially in the case of narcissists, who find seeing flaws in themselves intolerable, do I think this is applicable, but anyone who experiences shame would likely benefit . In truth, there are so many blind spots that people can make sighted through this work.

To be able to trust in one’s own signals for needs that should be met is very difficult for some, since their environment (i.e.: people, culture, etc.) may nay-say these instincts, which is then internalized to the point that they nay-say their own instincts. And then a distrust of feelings develops in favor of primarily objective, detached, hard data. Both definitely have their merits, but Western society (mainly influences from Western Europe and North America, which have both good and bad aspects) neglects the former in favor of the latter. How is more information rather than less a bad thing, including organismic information? I for one like to take into account subjective AND objective (as much as is humanly possible) data to gain a fuller picture, even if one form ends up being relatively more valuable than another in a given situation. There’s a common worry that paying too much attention to feelings may become confusing, distracting, and weakening or that certain emotions are unacceptable to have, but that’s a misconception. Quite the contrary. In fact, emotions inform us about the objective world outside, and the objective world outside affects emotions. They exist to tell us something relevant about ourselves and whatever situation we’re in so that we can adjust accordingly for our best interests. (How we go about doing so and whether our perceptions are accurate are separate matters.) That’s what evolution has enabled us to do; otherwise, we wouldn’t have emotions. They’re there for survival and social effectiveness, so I tell people to never feel shame for having them. All feelings are “correct.” (All actions aren’t.) There’s another lovely concept called:

ORGANISMIC SELF-REGULATION: “the instinctive, inherent wisdom within us that decides what is our most pressing need, now. This wisdom also knows what we need in order for our self to grow and mature. This process is life itself, every organism on earth is doing it, it is our inherent evolutionary wisdom at work. If we can sufficiently trust and listen to this wisdom within us we don’t need therapy."
-From http://www.jim-robinson.co.uk/about.html

So what I’m saying is subjective impressions are just as important as objective, concrete data if they are harnessed to their full potential. In fact, ignoring feelings may lead them to creep up in the most inopportune ways; those who fear them the most become most ruled by them, ironically. But sensing the self daily brings an additional level of awareness to the mix, which is always good because it can help guide choices toward getting needs met. And, yes, believe it or not, I want people to not need therapy! The point is to get them to a place where they can do this stuff on their own and also get the most out of their relationships. I’d get bored of the same clients for too long anyway, and stagnation is worse than death to me.

2008-09-18T14:25:00.001-07:00

My new counseling training practicum has been interesting so far, although I haven't seen any clients yet and am in still in preliminary training. We have required readings on which to write reaction papers about every month. Here's the beginning of my first one, in which I dipped into the political realm:

I generally enjoyed the Wheeler excerpt from “Beyond Individualism” and the mission behind its message – helping people to look more broadly at the influences on their thinking rather than seeing their view as the only correct and objective one, supposedly divorced from any cultural or other environmental contexts. But I did have a couple problems with it. I liked the phrase “ill fit between received wisdom and lived experience” because it shows that what you learn in a book or from others may not accurately reflect the reality of some people’s lives. We as therapists have to be especially careful to avoid using too much of a textbook approach instead of closely listening to our clients’ unique stories to help understand their problems or pathologies.

I don’t know about “we’re dying from rampant capitalism.” Capitalism has never even been done fully in the purest sense, since the human flaw of needing to control and over-regulate often prevents that (I’m a libertarian). What we have here, rather, is a tyranny problem involving taking advantage of the people, and this is simply unfair and unjust. And tyranny often wastes more money and resources than anything else, which hurts the people significantly at the same time as violating their integrity. I don’t blame capitalism; I blame corrupt and incompetent leaders and those who voted for them. Psychology can be used to explain why the American people have chosen such horrible leaders, however, and arrogant, unwavering opinions are probably part of it, in accordance with the points the author is making. (Too much trust in appearances and familiarity rather than using evidence and prudence as a guide to improve the well-being of the whole country.) Education on cognitive and relational styles should be part of required grade schooling, I think.

Just my 2 cents. The main person who holds the training sessions says "The Relational approach seeks to heal the divide between individualism and collectivism. It is not communism, and it still cares about the well-being of the individual." I really hope the politics behind all this stay reasonable and don't become lop-sided, if you know what I mean.

I dislike both McCain and Obama, so don't think that I buy into any of the contemporary bipartisan bullshit (being a libertarian). I wish the Republican party would stop running imbeciles for office because America's youth will probably see the Republican party as ever-Neocon, which it wasn't in previous years and which it doesn't have to be in the future. Considering that McCain would probably be more or less a continuation of W's legacy, I grudgingly opt for Obama in this election. (but eek about more government bureaucracy)

Sometimes, I wish we could have public access to all candidates' full intelligence and psychological profiles. Full disclosure of everything about how they function and think. Objective or at least relatively near-objective tests can't hide what is so easily hidden in campaign rhetoric. (I use that disclaimer of "relatively near-objective" because there are flaws to every test, so the more, the better to get a full view.) Of course, these would merely be supplements to other information received from them directly. They would just add another tool for decision-making besides the proposed policies.

2008-08-17T19:30:00.000-07:00

Some food for thought.

Nationalism as Symbiotic Fantasy
Library of Social Science Newsletter

Psychologists recently have debated whether or not there is such a thing as a “symbiotic phase:” a time of development when the infant imagines that he or she is fused with the mother. Perhaps they are looking for love in all the wrong places. In the United States, we sing about America the beautiful with its spacious skies, amber waves of grain, purple mountains and fruited plains. We sing about the land that we love with its mountains, prairies and oceans white with foam.

Freud stated that originally the ego includes everything and only later separates off an external world from itself. Perhaps when people identify with their nations they have recovered the “all-embracing ego feeling.” One doesn't need to look to childhood to study symbiotic fantasy. It is present in the world in which we live. This fantasy constitutes the ground of our being.

When we bind with our nation and its national life, we plug into the delusion of an omnipotent, symbiotic connection to the world. So powerful is this fantasy—so deeply are we identified with it—that (like fish in an ocean) we barely perceive that we are living within it. When CNN beams down at us at the airline terminal, we don't conceive of what we see and hear as something separate from ourselves. That is us beaming down.

In The Nation: A Study in Ideology and Fantasy, Richard Koenigsberg reflects upon the meaning of the most powerful political ideology of our time. What are the sources of this ideology? Why are we so certain that nations exist? Why are we willing to kill and die for these entities? One doesn't need to look to childhood: We may study ourselves by interrogating the meaning of those fantasies that we have projected into the world.

2008-08-02T00:37:00.000-07:00

One more of my short essays:

I think the authors' claim that “a relationship is a physiologic process” comes from the fact that the emotional effects of being in a relationship not only affect mood state but also control physical functions of the body, evinced by the changes observed when animals are separated and isolated from important figures. Without an important figure with whom to connect at an emotional level in relationships (human or otherwise), sickness, weakness, and sometimes death occur because immunity, heart rate, hormonal balance, and other functions deteriorate. For humans, limbic resonance – the shared emotional experience in a relationship with mutual feedback and responsiveness – maintains healthy physical functioning due to its maintenance of balanced emotional functioning. Limbic regulation occurs because the limbic system of the brain (the seat of emotions) is connected to many physical systems. Evolution has developed mammals as social animals dependent on one another for survival, and these connective mechanisms keep them close together. Attachment therefore regulates physical functioning to the point that human babies die when insufficiently attended to and interacted with. Even in milder cases, there are undesirable symptoms such as colds, insomnia, and low mood.

The statement that “psychotherapy is physiology” refers to the idea that therapy is a process of relating in which an emotional connection is ideally made (just like other types of relationships), therefore having the capacity to alter physiological function. Limbic revision occurs when new emotional experiences in the therapeutic relationship gradually change the neuroanatomical structures of the brain that are affected by emotions, creating new ways of perceiving, attracting, and relating to people. Emotional repair from past unpleasant experiences requires experiencing a new and better relational bond with an attuned individual, unlike knowledge simply learned at a cognitive level.

2008-08-01T00:03:00.000-07:00

One of my essay answers, which could be interesting to some:

Cozolino’s concept of the “good enough therapist” is important because it is necessary to provide an adequately caring and attentive atmosphere for clients to feel at home and trusting enough to make changes as a result of the therapist’s interventions. But, sometimes, the human flaws of the therapist may lend themselves to material with which to work in session based on how the clients react. The characteristics of a good enough therapist are: attuned, empathic, caring, available, respectful, humble, accepting of one’s own imperfection, flexible, non-defensive, patient, open to the client’s potential correctness, curious, non-pressuring, and focused on the clients’ needs. Cozolino makes the good point that highlighting being right and being accusatory is not preferable while moving the client toward psychological health is. Asking questions to understand what the client is feeling in moments when the client is feeling negative toward you is much better than pointing out how you are right and the client is wrong, since the latter could be unhelpful and even wounding. Also, I like his emphasis on taking responsibility for mistakes and admitting when one is wrong, since many clients’ parents could never do that, making them feel like the imperfect one. Being good enough as a therapist requires setting aside one’s ego and narcissism, unlike what some clients’ hurtful parents did. It is helpful to use one’s own mistakes as ways for the client to experience the cycle of rupture and repair and to continue in a more positive manner afterward, which may also improve attitudes toward authority figures. Realizing the helpfulness of such situations may help me to feel less guilty when I make mistakes, as long as I can manage to move through them gracefully. Accepting my human flaws while expecting clients to do so as well, if I appropriately apologize, and avoiding feeling like I need to be perfect are ways of self-forgiveness that will allow me to avoid becoming emotionally drained by intense sessions.

I'm done with all master's degree work, aside from proofreading!

2008-07-31T01:28:00.001-07:00

Just 3 essays to write, and I'm done with my master's!

You can't tell I'm excited or anything.

2008-07-31T00:59:00.001-07:00

I've decided to switch back to pursuing the Marriage and Family Therapist license rather than the Clinical Psychologist license, the latter of which is only allowable for those with doctorates. Although I'm still pursuing my doctorate, I'm opting for the other license, which is available to master's level graduates, for several reasons.

Although the scopes of practice for MFT's and psychologists are slightly different, you can still do basically the same things with either license: administer therapy to all types of individual clients, dyads and groups, direct organizations, supervise, and do psychological testing, granted you've had the appropriate training to do testing as an MFT. The BBS, which grants MFT licenses, states that one's scope of practice is only limited by one's scope of competence; so if you've been trained to become reasonably competent at something mental health-related, it's permissable to do it.

The main reason I'm going back to the MFT license is one can take 6 years plus practicum year (so 7 years) to accumulate all 3,000 hours of required clinical experience rather than just 5 years for the psychologist license. I don't want to pressure myself to see too many clients per week, since people tire me out. Also, it's more difficult to find flexible clinics or individuals with whom to train when going for the latter license, since clinics are usually more rigid in their work expectations and have fluorescent lights. I've found a great place that has no fluorescent lights but that isn't equipped to train psychological assistants (the name for interns working toward becoming licensed clinical psychologists) because it's a non-profit that doesn't employ but rather trains its budding clinicians. (A psych assistant must be an employee with pay, they claim.) I'm not about to give up this valuable find, which is also geographically close to my home. My lifestyle is highly important to me, especially if I'm deciding on how it'll be for the next 1-3 years straight. It's been hard enough as it has been going to long classes under fluorescents for a couple years and feeling drained of energy and overstimulated pretty much all the time. I've paid my dues, considering my limitations. (I still cringe at calling it a disability, although others do.)

Another thing is that continuing education hours, required every 2 years to maintain one's license, can be done entirely online for the MFT license. (Whereas, some of them have to be done in-person for the psychologist license.) This excites me because I don't like going to large seminars early in the morning, usually also under fluorescents and among large groups. It's just too much for me to feel good about committing to.

I want to work hard but on my own terms, and that's the point of having a private practice. I can't wait to switch to largely internet counseling with just a few in-person clients.

I got Livescan fingerprinted today, since the DOD and FBI must background check MFT intern applicants. I like being prepared ahead of time, even though I won't be submitting these documents until mid-August at the earliest.

2008-07-31T00:38:00.000-07:00

Consider this:

"Is It Arrogance?"

"It is generally a positive thing to be self-assured, to be confident. Yet when they are, those with Asperger Syndrome can be experienced and labeled as arrogant. They are sometimes described as arrogant in work, learning, or social situations, much as they are sometimes described as odd. Arrogance is a feeling of superiority or an offensive exhibition of superiority. Those with Asperger Syndrome are generally unaware that they sound superior to others as they give information or their opinions. A pedantic or lecturing tone contributes to this impression. They often do not recognize others' impressions or reactions, and therefore generally do not take them into account. They may not intend it, but I also know that their tone as they explain something and their lack of awareness of our response as we listen can seem superior and critical...

A boy that I see knew how to play a mathematical game that I had never played. He understood the game and was happy to show me how to play. As I practiced and made mistakes, he corrected me in a way that sounded amused and superior. My initial response was discomfort. After a while, I clarified with him what he thought about his teaching and how I was doing. He said that my mistakes might be a bit amusing, but he enjoyed showing me how to play and thought that I was learning it easily. He thought I would play very well with a little practice. I told him that I was aware that people often thought that those with Asperger's were arrogant, because of the tone they used when they explained...I saw that he was clearly dumbfounded that anyone could assume from his tone and his words that he was arrogant. He laughed at the notion, in what could also be mistaken for an arrogant response. He saw it as odd, but interesting, that is is not unusual for neurotypicals to experience some people with Asperger's as arrogant. He knew he was not, of course, but he was very open to exploring what it might mean to someone else, as strange as that seemed to him."
-From Congratulations! It's Asperger's Syndrome, taken from my Pepperdine University ebook access

I really have to be careful of this with therapy clients. In fact, I think I've reached a certain awareness of it and have avoided taking chances in confronting them, which bothers me because it's sometimes appropriate to do so. It feels like I can't make progress due to fear of sounding too belittling, and I'm struggling to get the tone and wording right when in the moment. I have to come up with the wording ahead of time and rehearse in my head so it comes out right when the time comes. My group supervisor helped me with some possible ways to state things, for which I'm grateful. It's especially hard for me when I have rambling clients who don't like to let a word in edgewise because they're afraid of what the therapist might say, no matter how kind. That's when my points become stronger and stronger in my head, which makes boiling them down more difficult.

I have a theory that the words of Aspergians come out sounding arrogant because it's just our style of putting energy into expressing the ideas in our heads. It takes extra effort for our minds to get from point A to point B - point A being the idea and point B being the verbalization of it, since neural connections aren't quite as fluid in us as in normals. So, that "pushing" may make the speaker sound narcissistic and full of themselves just by virtue of the additional emphases on the points made via extra energy spent.

2008-07-26T16:50:00.000-07:00

I'm subscribed to an elist written by the executive director of GRASP John Michael Carley and recently began reading his book Asperger's from the Inside Out. Obviously, I don't tire of the subject. This is almost totally self-indulgent (with the remote and marginal hope of helping others gain perspective), but then that's what blogs are for. I write out excerpts I like in order to remember them more easily for future reference, but I've gotten pretty good at calmly explaining things in person if the situation calls for it. Anyway, here's a passage I like, although it reflects what I've underwent in the recent past rather than what I experience now:

"An autism spectrum diagnosis still does not dictate everything about you. In addition to your neurological makeup, you are the product of the culture in which you live, of your gender, of your race, of your economic background, of your sexual orientation, and of the quality of the support systems you've either enjoyed or been subject to. One of C.C.'s [author's son's] classmates, for example, was a three-year-old girl named Lin. She came from a Chinese family and went to a Chinese-speaking school in Chinatown. And when Lin's parents got her AS diagnosis, they accordingly took their daughter out of the Chinese school to get her into a specialized program to meet her diagnostic needs. The school officials, however, berated the parents with cries of 'How can you do this'? To them, a girl who sat quietly by herself, reading books, and who didn't want anything to do with peers or noisy play...this was the perfect little girl...

'The Cowboy Culture'

Our culture, like Chinese culture, like all cultures, has pros and cons. The first obstacle has to do with what I refer to as 'The Cowboy Culture,' a way of thinking that is not restricted to just Americans.

'Ah, you're just making excuses.'
'Oh, hopping on the latest psychiatric fad, this "Asperger's syndrome."'
'You just want attention. Work your problems out yourself.'
'Everyone has problems'
'Now what is wrong with you?'

That most of these reactions are the consequences of ignorance or frustration should be a given, for the conveyors of these attitudes would think differently if they knew anything about the autism spectrum. But ignorant or not, they cause damage. Their attitudes are unknowingly invalidating the very real experiences of the individual with AS. Even when we, the recipients of the diagnosis, are armed with the knowledge that such words are nonsense, the words still hurt. And they hurt not only because these words usually come form people close to us, but also because they are the words that may reflect the culture we've been raised in - that a part of us believes in it as well.

In truth, this is a culture that does more service than disservice. For it would be wrong for someone to let his or her diagnosis become an excuse, or to let it encourage a lifelong pursuit of victimization, as some people have indeed done. But it is imperative that diagnosed individuals rebuff these words, and instead examine all the items that are put in front of them when they're diagnosed - the items about their family, about their past. It is hard to see at that moment of being criticized, but the real cowardice is to bury the diagnosis as if it meant nothing...

We have to remember that because of the genetics involved, and because of the new interpretations of the past that will have to be explored, we are not the only ones affected by our diagnosis. When we make the decision to seek diagnosis, we inadvertently put a lot of work on the plate of family members who may not have asked for that work, who may not have appreciated our decision to go get checked out, and who may be petrified of what it might say about them.
The following is important: They will have their own walk to walk when you get diagnosed. But that is their walk, not yours. And unlike your decision to walk your walk, they may choose to avoid theirs. This is something you can do little about. The shared love among you may entice you to try and change them, but you can only do so much, even though it's painful to watch as a loved one avoids their walk.
The cowboy act oddly shows itself to be the cowardly response. Your decision to face all this (though motivated by obvious self-interest given how much you'll gain) is very brave. Your'e the courageous one here, specifically because you'll be going against the grains of vastly differing ideas about what courage really is."

I really enjoy the name "Cowboy Culture." It's that sort of tough, individualistic, go-it-alone-and don't-complain sort of attitude that I've always lived with and had to balance out once I learned to take my limitations seriously and work around them to have a satisfying life. Once I was able to do that and accept those limitations, the words of others held little to no weight and I was able to roll my eyes, then educate if they were interested enough.

I'm particularly impressed that my father has changed his attitude over time at such an advanced age (his eighties), despite the truth behind Carley's statement that most people can't always change when you want them to. He has gracefully accepted my AS and become proud of how I've handled it, whereas he used to say things that were nearly verbatim versions of the Cowboy phrases quoted above. (Ironically, he's from Texas.) It doesn't feel like a uphill battle to have a truly emotionally intimate relationship with my dad any more, since I don't feel like I have to dance around subjects any longer to avoid getting unwanted responses from him. But the only way this could happen was through my trying to understand his feelings through this all (i.e.: narcissistic needs) and addressing them with the right information, such as the good side of AS in general and the ways I can feasibly work around my particular case. (The notoriety of many high achieving AS individuals, how many are quite high functioning and can do well in life, setting my own hours and work schedule, etc.)

It occurs to me that I'm using abilities people with AS normally lack or struggle with in order to handle the emotional experiences of relating with others about having AS. (I'm talking about poor "theory of mind," meaning lack of imagination about what might be going in on someone else's mind.) It's no wonder that, before I was trained to develop empathic and assertiveness skills for professional purposes, I was angsty and gothy. It was like being hungry but not having the energy to go get food - what a double-bind. If you can't speak for yourself while considering the thoughts and feelings of others at the same time, it's impossible to get the adequate social support that's needed to be sane and secure in relationships. These are abilities that anybody may need to work on, of course - normal and disordered people alike. The difference between people with AS and other people with poor relationship skills is that the latter probably have more emotional reasons for not bothering to understand the thoughts and feelings of others while just trying to get their needs met, whereas the former simply don't know how and need to develop brand new skills.

2008-07-22T00:40:00.000-07:00

A couple hours ago, I gave a presentation based on a paper about what client population I'd like to work with. I chose people with PDDs and AD/HD.

I received a lot of questions, since I distributed copies of the chart below and connected my interest and important work-related considerations to my personal experiences. Click:

It was cool that, at the end of class, the prof quoted a sentence in my paper for the rest of the class' benefit so he could make a point. I hadn't even said it out loud, but he found it relevant:

"I have a natural drive to reduce others' suffering, which is especially compelling when I can relate."

I love the feeling of a successful presentation. I jumbled my words a couple times because of the fluorescents interfering with my concentration, but it was fine other than that. In the parking lot, a classmate thanked me for bringing in my personal experiences, which she said helps them all to understand better. It's a good thing I'm not the only person who enjoys my talking about myself! I don't mind being more academic too, but this was the nature of the assignment.

Last course of my master's degree, and I can then rejoice. I'll have a 5-month break before starting more schooling again.

2008-07-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

Dissatisfied with the selection of a certain supplement at Whole Foods, I happened upon a small herb shop near home.

"Can I help you find something?" (Because I never ask before trying to find it myself first.)
"Sure, I'm looking for soy isoflavones."
"Oh no, we don't have any soy. I don't believe in soy. It takes minerals from body."
"Yes, it's phytic acid you're talking about. I'm looking for the extract that's made to avoid that acid and keep the active ingredient."
"Blank stare."

Yeah, that's what I thought. You don't mess with the special interest subject.

Obviously, I'm in a silly mood today.

2008-07-08T21:10:00.001-07:00

Every so often, I like to quote Mark Foster because I can't help but agree with him. He's been around in this subject for longer than I have and has the words I don't yet have, even though I share similar thoughts:

Autism Movements

Regarding the autism spectrum, there are controversies regarding wheat-free and casein-free diets, naturopathic remedies, enzyme supplements, chelation (a dangerous procedure to supposedly remove mercury from vaccinations), and other treatments. Most of these treatments for autism are pseudoscientific, i.e., either they are unsupported by peer-reviewed research or they are actually refuted by research findings. For instance, there is no scientific evidence that mercury in vaccines has ever caused autism.

There are, broadly speaking, three viewpoints on the autism spectrum.

The first, which is my own view, is variously called autistic self-advocacy and neurodiversity. We are interested in treatments which will help autistics to become better adapted at living in their societies. Since we consider autism to be a part of our identities, we regard proposals to cure autism to be, in effect, a rejection of ourselves. Although some self-advocates would go even further and call the pro-cure advocates "proponents of genocide," to me, that is taking the idea to a silly extreme.

The second, which is represented by websites like AutismSpeaks.org, is the pro-cure movement. They are the ones infamous for promoting all sorts of unscientific treatments (including chelation), for speaking of autism as an "epidemic," and for portraying autistics is very unflattering fashions. Unfortunately (from my perspective), AutismSpeaks.org has become the public face of the autism spectrum, and they raise a lot of money to benefit the causes they support. The vast majority of those who are involved with the pro-cure movement are the parents of autistics. Very few autistics are a part of this movement.

The third, which I only mention to be comprehensive, is the autistic superiority movement. Most, but not all, of the persons who hold to this view are teenagers. They speak in terms of "aspie superpowers" and "aspie genetic superiority." Many autistic self-advocates, myself included, find this viewpoint to be unfortunate and even an embarrassment. Nonetheless, I have sympathy for these people, and, as I mention in my narrative, as a kid, I would most likely have agreed with their position. Hopefully, most of them will outgrow it.

2008-07-08T01:25:00.001-07:00

Therapy with the new guy is going well. He's much more empathic and willing to hear me out than past clinicians were, which means he's doing his job. He even stated that he might learn from me about certain things. We've already begun working on how to approach strangers and engage in a starting verbal exchange, which pleases me.

I've found that there's an ideal ratio of empathy/support/relationship-building to challenging/directing/questioning for someone to be receptive to therapy (or receiving advice in general for those of you non-therapists). I've discovered based on trial-and-error that the best way for me has been a 2/3 to 1/3 split, respectively (although, this may vary slightly per client). I started out with the tendency to do too much of the latter. The fact is that people in everyday life want to do that to you all the time rather than tolerate any negative feelings of difficulty you have to share and support you through it. They want to tell you what to do about it to shut you up so they no longer have to hear about the problem. Ironically, this usually does the opposite of reducing the problem; it creates an unempathic atmosphere of frustration that may make feelings even more negative.

When being supportive, just the simple act of reflecting back what the person said to you while pointing out your observations about how the given situation seems to be affecting the person is incredibly powerful on its own. Being able to speak openly about things and not worry about what will be said back is such a rare commodity. Active listening is especially lacking in the digital lifestyle we now live.

Therefore, doing all this supportive stuff the majority of the time will make someone trust you enough to WANT to hear your suggestions and ask you for them when the time is right FOR THEM. And this is the time when they're most able to make the necessary changes in their lives. It can't be done on your schedule.

2008-07-08T01:16:00.000-07:00

Anyone seen this before?

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Aspergers

It very much amused me. Seriously.

I can't stand people making excuses for themselves to not work towards improvement. I enjoy making light of it as they do here.

2008-06-28T02:21:00.000-07:00

"A patient doesn't have to spy any reality but his own. Indeed, he usually cannot - it's a therapist's job to span two worlds at once. But a patient has to stomach the proposition that his emotional convictions are fiction, and someone else's might be better. Not everyone can do it. A psychiatrist's office should bear a placard analogous to the posted minimum height for roller coasters: YOU MUST BE AT LEAST THIS TRUSTING TO RIDE THIS RIDE.

One young woman, for instance, demanded that her therapist explicate a supporting framework to bolster what she saw as an absurdly slender claim of trustworthiness. 'Why should I believe you, and not myself?' she asked doggedly. 'Give me one good reason.' Hers seemed a sound request; the two searched and argued and pondered for months. They found no reason because none exists. A psychiatrist's training and education, his credentials, his years of practice, establish nothing absolutely. An authority can be wrong, and a novice correct (if by accident), on any issue. A seasoned professional, while more likely to be right on topics falling within his domain, can neither prove nor guarantee his rectitude where two virtualities meet. Psychiatry runs on the same elixir that fuels the rest of medicine: a fervent wish that somebody else knows better. People who trust little can gamble and learn to trust more; people who have no faith from which to leap are out of luck. Mental health is a substance that attracts itself as readily as money or power: the more you have, the more you can get." -A General Theory of Love, pg 173-4

It should be obvious why I'm quoting this passage.

2008-06-26T15:21:00.000-07:00

I might have pointed out this clip before. It's just an informational video for college professors regarding Asperger students. One of the presenters (Michael John Carley) is an adult-diagnosed Aspie, and he says something that makes me laugh every time. It's not what he says; it's how he says it. Skip to just after halfway through, when you see books in the library.

http://www.researchautism.org/resources/AspergerDVDSeries.asp

He goes, "Ahhhhhhh. Now we're inside a LIBRARY."

It's like a normal guy going, "Ah, now we're inside a whorehouse." He gets this lit up look on his face that makes me laugh every time, mostly because I relate to it. Only someone like that would be so enthused about a library, where you can delve into your favorite subject.

2008-06-25T00:23:00.000-07:00

I'm probably boring certain people with all this and want to eventually move on from the subject, at least in intensity. But I wanted to give an update, since I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I saw the new therapist today, and he acknowledged that I have indeed lived with Asperger. How could that be so easy? I talked to him for one hour, and he was able to say that. Why didn't previous testers have that ability? I don't get it.

He said that some people with it actually can function in life and, at times, stated things in the present tense. "You have so many of the symptoms." Naturally, this was extremely gratifying, since I never had the recognition in childhood when I most needed it for intervention purposes. (And, of course, so that I can have "faith" in this field from a subjective experience standpoint, even though I know from learning and administering therapy that it does help people.)

So I don't know if he feels I'm recovered/in remission at this point or if he thinks it still applies even now. I started off with the statement that I think I'm mostly recovered because, in the past, I couldn't do things that I can now do but which merely tire me these days. It's all still relevant and often annoying. I stated I wish I didn't need as much alone time as I do and that I could tolerate more people time - like others around me can. Then, I could have a richer work schedule.

He also said he could help with my difficulty meeting new people (what to say, how to get it going, etc.) Also, I made sure he knew that, although I previously had depression, loneliness, and bulimia in earlier years, my mood is good these days, I have little anxiety, I feel good about where my career is going, and I've got some good relationships. I didn't want him to think I was all negative. He asked if I thought people liked me and I said that, while it has taken me lots of time to develop a persona that's likable to the average person and it takes me lots of energy to be charming, I think I'm likable and that people genuinely like me. But...I tend to go on about my favorites subjects for too long at times and get signals from others that I've gone overboard.

I said I have a good attitude toward myself yet not in such a way that I want to feel better than others as a way to mask insecurity. (He too mentioned how people with Asperger tend to get high narcissism scores, but this is not accurate in the personality disorder sense.) I said that I'd describe myself as persistent and practical-minded, to which he added "brave." I thanked him.

So I'm feeling hopeful. I don't know how long this treatment will last, but I'll play it by ear. Shouldn't go more than a month or two, I'm estimating.

Now, I'm questioning why I want it down on paper for my records when I know that's totally unnecessary and that verbal understanding should be sufficient. I realize it comes from my relationship with my stubborn father who doesn't believe anything and has thought I'm a hypochondriac (which I'm assuredly not). So perhaps that will all fade as I go on and, perhaps, after talking to my father about it. But I really want to be able to not care about that at all. I'm over myself not being over it yet.

2008-06-22T22:22:00.000-07:00

I've scheduled an appointment with a new therapist for this week. I didn't think I'd be going back so soon if at all, but something recently became clear to me. Clarity is such a wonderful thing.

What I've been seeking with all this psychological testing is clinical (official) recognition of my past struggles, even if I'm doing better in the present. I should have seen someone as a young teen due to my lack of social life and the disappointment over that huge gap. If some kind of deficit were discovered then, I could have had coaching to learn social skills and that would have saved me years of depression and loneliness.

I need to "mourn" the lost opportunity of getting appropriate care, but I have unconsciously been conflating past hurts with present functioning. I function quite well these days and have come a LONG way, but I still remember the pain from the past and feel it a little. The only way to put that to rest for good is to have a trained professional retroactively diagnose or otherwise acknowledge those struggles, be it as Asperger or something that appears similar. (Although, I'm still 98% sure it was indeed Asperger.) The new therapist has an Asperger specialty among others and has already confirmed with me that he could retroactively diagnose/identify it.

It feels like this may be the last frontier of any issues I have remaining. I want to put it to rest, and then I'll feel more positive about giving others therapy. It's only because I'm seeing clients that I've thought of this issue at all. I've felt a little like, "Well, I'm giving you all this good stuff I would have wanted, but what about me?" I'm sure I'm not helping in dispelling any stereotypes about therapists. Even if I want to figure myself out, I also greatly enjoy helping others do the same and seeing good results. I have the innate skills for it. Also, I think it's a job requirement for the therapist to know one's self so that biases - both emotional and informational - don't get in the way during treatment of others. I've had that happen to me before when seeing a therapist, and it's horrid.

One example of a remaining problem with social skills, though, is my total inability to talk to strangers in an effective way. I have no shyness about it, but I can't always figure out how to start out and keep things going with a brand new person. My boyfriend pointed out to me today that I start out too blunt. There were two girls having lunch next to us at a Japanese restaurant, and they were clearly foreigners. He voiced curiosity about where they were from, so I offered to ask for him. On our way out, I went over and said, "Where are you from?" (Russia.) My boyfriend pointed out that I had no polite opener and said it like a cop. Ha!

I'd like this new therapist to coach me on talking to strangers. My ability at this is very inconsistent. Even when I do know what to say at first, I totally drop off in ideas after the first statement or question and end up having to walk away. I think taking in all the visual information distracts me too much, or I don't naturally think of asking other people about themselves because I think more about facts and knowledge than people-related information, the former being more interesting to me. It's as though I'd need a script beforehand to get through it. I'm more spontaneous with people I already know.

2008-06-20T20:49:00.000-07:00

Today, a client missed our weekly session without calling to say so for the third time. Technically, the rule at the center is 2 no-shows and we terminate. Research shows that therapy is most effective if done weekly, plus we'd rather have people who are able to commit to the process or make room for new ones if current ones can't. Some people aren't ready to make changes in themselves, so we save our efforts for those who are. (There's always a long waiting list, and we get public funding and donations to at least partially function.)

But, no, I gave him that extra chance and nearly did it again today. When I reached him on the phone at half past our scheduled time, he gave me this rambling, apologetic explanation of why he wasn't there, but I told him he didn't have to explain and that it was for his benefit, not mine. I asked if he could be committed to coming weekly. He said yes. So I paused and said I'd give him one more chance. I couldn't regret that more.

Even while I said that to him, I knew I shouldn't, which is essentially enabling and encouraging irresponsible, inconsistent behavior. Why was I being too nice? This isn't good for either of us.

About half an hour later, I called him back and said I had spoken to my supervisor, who said I couldn't keep seeing him per center rules. "I'm too nice - so nice that I break the rules. I apologize for having misled you, but you're welcome to come back in 3 months. So sorry."

I felt much better at that point and, suddenly, it hit me why I was being too nice. In addition to being tired with my defenses down, I still felt bad about that bulimic client. I was transferring that guilt onto another client! Wow, I hopefully won't do that again.

Before calling him the second time to call it off, it crossed my mind to just let things be and see him anyway, learning from the experience thereafter. But I realized I won't learn the new habit of sticking to the rules in spite of what's nice if I don't gradually transition into sticking with them. Eventually, I'll grow into it seamlessly.

On top of that, I shouldn't feel guilty about the bulimic client, since the circumstances were beyond my control. We discussed her in my group today, and they brought to my awareness the possibility that she was protesting or manipulating me for having failed her without actually taking adult steps to get her needs met. This totally makes sense. The eating disordered bring feelings primitively into the body instead of dealing with problems like an adult. She needs to learn how to care for herself by seeking out what she needs for her emotional well-being (i.e.: take the transfer to another counselor if that's what's best for her!).

This work really develops me as a person.

2008-06-19T19:13:00.001-07:00

I brought back a client's bulimia by no longer being able to see her due to my class schedule changing. Oops.

But, on the other hand, it was good in that it made her realize how important it is for her to have a consistent place to speak freely and get support. She may be able to switch her schedule around to keep seeing me, since she didn't want to be transferred to someone else as I had offered.

Once she feels satisfied in getting weekly understanding for whatever number of weeks, she won't be quite so dependent on it for stability later. I feel it may just be her prerequisite.

That which hurts you doesn't always make you stronger. Poor early experiences can make you weaker until corrective changes can be made, and that may involve another person to see you through when the problem is related to negative early relationships. I would know.

2008-06-17T01:49:00.001-07:00

If you're a blond or redhead, shame on you for not having the naturally brown hair that you and everyone else finds ideal. You're simply not trying hard enough to make it turn brown at will and, if you say you can only change it by dyeing it, then you aren't being truthful with yourself. Stop making excuses that you're a natural blond or redhead requiring extra external measures that the naturals don't need; you've simply got bad character.

I'm just making a point through example, absurd as that one is. I've gotten used to people misunderstanding me by now, and they'll continue doing so until I've quashed every single one of the symptoms that plague me, which I do tend to focus on if highly relevant to my current life. (And even after then, they may still misunderstand and think I just got over some phase through passage of time, ignoring all the hard work I've done to get through it all. I can count the problems I've overcome through my problem solving and persistence on my hand. But c'est la vie.)

I focus on individual problems in order to find a solution. Naming them reminds me that they exist through the use of just a short, memorable word or phrase and that they require attention if I'm ever going to find peace. Ignoring and not naming them is counterproductive and leads to stagnation and forgetting about them. I have a natural urge towards growth and health, for which I'm very grateful. Not trying to overcome things and just sitting with them would make me feel like a piece of shit, to be blunt. It's when I'm not naming things then you should worry. This is simply my style of thinking; I think in lists, categories, and analysis by nature in everything that I do and in every area of my life. It has worked for me so far.

But there will always be people who don't know me well enough to see that and who will think I'm like the other kind - those who want labels (or syndromes) for the sake of labels alone. Like I said before, I'd kill to not have any apply at all, so don't let my clinical-style modus operandi fool you. This is the road I'm traveling, and the destination is clear... (Minus any real bloodshed. Maybe.) If something threatens my well-being, I kill it rather than freeze (much like the spider I just killed with Draino in my kitchen sink). The day I'm symptom-free, I will be rejoicing because my functioning will match my ambitious, dynamic personality. And then the internal dissonance will be gone, and I can work on so many more things in life. I'm getting closer...

Thankfully, I'm a relatively mild case, but that's a double-edged sword. People are more likely to judge and disbelieve you if it isn't apparent to them externally, but I wouldn't be overcoming so much over time if I were a more severe case. I'd rather have it the way it is.

2008-06-09T14:55:00.000-07:00

Shifting back again to my recent parental visit, my mom is still inordinately fascinated with appearance. At one point when we were about ready to go out to dinner, she came into my room and said, "Do I look beautiful enough to be your mother?"

Umm...when did being a good mother entail having to be attractive? I thought it had to do with nurturance, attention, care, love, understanding, and other capacities.

And she also said to me that I'm at the perfect weight for me and asked how much I exactly weigh. These days, I don't even like getting compliments in reference to weight because I don't like how much my self-esteem used to be so strongly (yet partially) based on that, as much as I may enjoy looking a certain way personally. I just don't want it from other people and prefer them to compliment me for other attributes. Once again, I return to the concept of differentiation.

And I completely dodged her weight question. I wouldn't answer it.

I pointed out to her toward the end of the trip that her self-esteem is still so heavily based on her looks, based on what I've noticed, and that she has so many other things to offer too. She wasn't even fully aware of this preoccupation, or at least she acted unaware when receiving the news.

It's really not good when a woman only banks on her looks. As she ages, it's going to be tougher for that woman than it will for the woman with total integrity about her character, achievements, personality, and abilities. I don't care how much plastic surgery or weight loss is involved, it still won't be exactly the same (granted my ignorance of future beauty technologies to prolong youthful looks). Nevertheless, it's better to love yourself as a whole person and work on improving all parts possible.

That's right, use some shoe shine on that mole! Ok, not really going that far.

2008-06-09T01:30:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting couple days this weekend. Last night, I went to a club with a 70's/electro theme. It was fun and gay (in both senses of the word) for the most part except for one creepy guy who kept trying to dance with me despite my obvious lack of interest. "What, you really don't want to dance with me?" "No. I'm just not that social." (That's my story when these things happen. It makes the rejection less personal.) He asked me two or three times after that, and I kept giving him negative answers, including that I need space and I'm taken.

But he persisted and was standing behind me as I was watching a tranny singer perform some songs. He got a little too close, so I turned around and said, "two steps back, please." He put his hands up in shame and went, "Ok, I'm..."

He wasn't moving away, so I loudly said, "NOW!"

Heh. I've never done that before and found it quite funny afterward, but it worked. It seemed necessary at the time. When someone's so completely clueless, what can a girl do? To hell with getting a guy to cock block for you when you can do it yourself. Maybe it'll teach these guys to respect girls' boundaries and not just be afraid of other guys in the way of them. I wish more girls would take it upon themselves too, but I don't expect that ideal scenario to become a reality.

I went to the Gay Pride celebration the latter part of the day, which was like a festival in an enclosed area. The actual parade traveling down the street was already over in the afternoon, and the techno music right outside my place interrupted my sleep at 10 am. But I recovered by using earplugs and continuing my slumber.

I knew 3 people at the festival, two of whom I was planning on seeing and the other being a coworker that I didn't get to talk to. There was a ridiculous number of dancing shirtless male bodies in the "dance party" section, and Olivia Newton John was singing on the main stage in another area, which was nice. Of course, she did some songs from Grease, which the gays tend to love. There was also a Texas 2-step room with people dancing in perfect unison. It was so cute and refreshing compared to all the sleaze in other areas of the event. It's kind of ironic, when you consider how homophobic most Southerners are.

I had fun, but got a little worn out by all the people, even with the help of my new medication. But it would have been a lot worse without it. I love how much more normal I feel when socializing: less strained or fakely comfortable-looking.

2008-06-05T14:06:00.000-07:00

On Monday, I saw a client who was completely calm and stable throughout the session, despite talking about his troubles. Toward the end, I brought the various pieces together into a unified interpretation, saying how his actions indicate that he is trying seek balance in his life, even if done in an unbalanced way for now out of lack of certain skills. I saw him tremble as I spoke the words and he watched me intently. He asked me to say it again, and he had the same reaction.

It's times like these that this work is satisfying.

2008-06-04T23:43:00.000-07:00

I'm quite pleased with a prescription medication that the neurologist prescribed me, even though I figured out on my own that it would help me through internet research as usual. I've been on a generic, long-acting alpha blocker (blocks a type of adrenaline receptor) called doxazosin at 1 mg per day since Saturday and feel much more serene and less overstimulated. It's actually meant as an anti-hypertension (blood pressure) medication that's also used for prostate problems. My theory as put forth in this previous post was right - I do get relief from less norepinephrine activity in my brain, which is excessively produced when the senses are stimulated or my attention is shifted too rapidly.

These are the benefits I've noticed so far, plus some hopeful guesses:
-No more head pain or burning discomfort from being too active in the city and at work. A cool feeling in the head.
-Warmer hands and feet (better circulation).
-Easier socializing with strangers (can handle novel sensory stimuli with less distraction).
-Better endurance and greater willingness to do tasks, including housecleaning. It's about time this place looked decent, since it's been hard to clean regularly with the previous head pain and fatigue. Cleaning requires lots of attention shifting.
-More interest in reading books rather than searching the internet for hours. (Longer attention span for one thing.)
-More restful and faster sleep. Hopefully, I'll have the ability to get up on mornings without day-long migraines for once.
-Less resistance to driving long distances.
- -Less drive to seek understanding of my struggles from others. I guess the purpose of that drive was to get some resolution, which I've now more or less got.
-MUCH LESS SENSORY AND MENTAL FATIGUE WHEN SEEING SEVERAL THERAPY CLIENTS IN A ROW. This one will save my career. I was having a crisis recently over whether it was the right career for me, but that's now over.
-Clearer, more moderate appetite signals.
-Probably an improved capacity to fast on only water without getting run down over time from using up too much nervous energy in a short period. I'm doing this only once a month now but want to increase the frequency again and see if it's easier.

I'm going to share this on forums for Aspies, in case they may also benefit. I can't believe a doctor finally listened to me. When I explained that this drug helps me, since I was already on it before seeing him for the first time but needed him to now prescribe it regularly, he said "You can't argue with success" and immediately asked me if I wanted a 30-day or 90-day prescription. It even has 3 refills on it. I'm definitely going to keep using this guy.

This could be mildly life-changing in terms of comfort level and capacity to do activities.

Update: It ended up having an intense rebound overstimulation effect that lasted for a couple week.s Absolutely not worth it, sadly. On to more experiments...

2008-05-28T00:52:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a 3-night trip to Park City, UT to visit mainly my parents but also my brother and his immediate family (wife and 3 sons). It was generally pleasant, although I've gotten a clearer picture of my strange family dynamics, with the help of my ongoing training and experience as a budding therapist. I see that, when I get there, my mother jumps at the chance of getting emotional support from me. I'm assuming my father doesn't satisfy her need in such a way. Even I get tired of hearing her talk incessantly about various problems and become wearied by apparent demands for empathy (yes, even me the therapist), but I realize that they've built up inside her for too long without adequate recognition. I always get a strange feeling when I fly home to CA from UT - like there's some unresolved business. My father doesn't seem to know how to initiate conversation with me, so I have to be the one to do so. Inevitably, I start talking about the things that interest me most, and I may get too deeply into them - beyond his interest level without a signal that this is the case until it's too late. (And, this time, I realized I do want to talk to him about his latest interest and projects, but then there's no time left before I leave.) Then, I realized that I must be having the same reaction to him as my mother's - one of trying to elicit understanding through lots of talking yet still never feeling quite satisfied by the responses or lack thereof.

This is what a therapist would call a countertransference reaction if my dad were the client and we weren't related. As therapist, you use your personal reaction to the client to figure out how other people in his life probably experience his behavior, and then work with that accordingly.

So, the day after I flew home, I decided to give my dad a tip: Try reflecting what my mother says in terms of her personal experiences by paraphrasing what he heard right back to her. I know this is satisfying because it's been done to me by fellow therapists in training as we've practiced on each other. Otherwise, I never would have thought to do it, which is exactly what my dad said when I gave him this technique to try. It would help both of them by cutting down the amount of talking my mom does in his direction and giving her the emotional satisfaction of feeling heard and understood: relief on both ends. She probably never really got that growing up except from her twin sister,and she needs it more regularly at the current time. She's the constant caregiver to my dad, especially since he's been having physical catastrophes requiring medical care lately. The most recent was his transient ischemic attack (aka: mini-stroke lasting just a few minutes with no permanent damage) that he had in China due to using insulin but not eating (triggered by hypoglycemia: low blood sugar).

Ok, this part's funny: At the Chinese hospital, the doctor checked my father's memory as he recovered by asking him who my mother was while pointing at her. My father replies, "My maid."

MY MAID? Haha. He said it twice - again, the second time the doctor asked. Is that what goes on in the unconscious mind of a dominant man? Then again, she had been quite the caretaker in the last year. He's not going to hear the end of this. I teased him about it on the phone today, which he went along with.

Anyway, on the way home, I had a career direction crisis. For a day or so, I questioned whether I really wanted to be a therapist and to listen to people talking all the time and imposing their needs and expectations on me. I realized that this crisis was directly related to my experiences around BOTH parents in their own separate ways. My mother's incessant talking to get empathy and my father's normative expectations of the way I should live my life and style myself got to me over just 3 days. I felt sick of supporting other people's excessive needs, but my individual supervisor helped me get through this phase, which I knew would be transient. She pressed on me the fact that, with therapy clients, there are very clear time and place boundaries, so the talking relationship stops after a short time each week. She said she pretty much never gets a client hanging on her all week long, even though she offers up her phone number to leave voicemails at any time. Not even her borderline personality clients are that bothersome in that respect. I was relieved and reverted back slowly over the course of the day. And hanging around my boyfriend, whose acceptance of the way I naturally am and prefer to be, helped with the normative expectations side of the problem.

2008-05-28T00:44:00.000-07:00

Before filling you in on some personal updates in the next post, I would really like all supporters to check out something I received today through my work e-mail at L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center. I definitely signed because I'm certain that bi-, trans-, and homosexuality are biologically based, lifelong predispositions that should be tolerated, not pathologized. We need to stick with the progress in knowledge that we've already made so far.

-----Original Message-----
Subject: Action Item: Important news re a move towards reclassifiying Homosexuality as a mental disorder

Hi, All.

This proactive notice was posted in the PsychologyToday forum I participate in and I am bringing it to your attention. Should you be moved to, there is a petition you can sign. Feel free to pass this to your lists. Allowing people to exist as who they are continues to be an issue in our society. Changes such as this would result in many young people being hauled to reparative therapies to be "healed" of their homosexuality. The American Psychological Association already has a strong stand against reparative therapy.

Victoria
___________________________________________
The Gender Center Inc.
Allison Elise Cleveland
Executive Director / Program Coordinator
PO. Box 12140 Eugene Oregon 97440
541-870-5202
Practice Conscious Acts of Solidarity & Organized Resistance

Dear folks,

I'm writing you because you are well-connected with our LGBT community organizations. A catastrophic thing has just happened to the community on the federal level, there's still time to stop it, and most folks in the community seem not to know.

A few days ago the American Psychiatric Association announced who would write the new revision of the DSMV, the manual of mental disorders that controls the diagnosis and treatment of gender and sexual difference.

The "expert" just named to chair the revisions on sexuality and gender is Kenneth Zucker.
Zucker is the major remaining proponent of "reparative therapy" to "cure" kids they think are LGBT.

If the APA doesn't change the committee, the next edition of the DSMV will probably prescribe reparative therapies as recommended "treatment" for LGBT people.

Zucker's named Ray Blanchard to the work group that will rewrite Gender Identity Disorder. Here's the deal: Blanchard is connected with ex-gay organizations; his core theory is that transpeople are "really" sex offenders or homosexuals, and homosexuals are mentally ill. Zucker's stated purpose for reparative therapy is that, without it, gay kids will grow up into transsexuals. So any version of Gender Identity Disorder the two of them write will not only put transpeople out of medical help and into conversion therapy, but also redefine GID from an independent diagnosis to a kind of homosexuality.

In other words, their goal is to put homosexuality back in the DSMV as a mental illness. We'd be back where we were before 1973.

I hoped I'd never have to live with this crap again, but here we are in the Stone Age. These are the folks that "cure" boys who play with dolls and girls who like sports. The APA just gave these wackos the authority to define American gays and lesbians as mentally ill. They're likely to use it.

We have to get the word out. If the community protests loudly and fast, the APA will probably have to remove Zucker and Blanchard. I am terrified it won't happen because it'll get tagged as a "trans issue." The HRC, the Advocate and so on have no love lost on transpeople, but transpeople don't have the pull with the APA. Only the gay and lesbian communities can apply the necessary pressure. It's use it or lose it. Once your identity has been defined as a mental illness your political clout falls to zero.

Folks in the know say the appointment was so unexpected that it's likely most APA leadership doesn't really understand what they just did. Zucker and Blanchard are considered fringe--Zucker's clinic in Toronto has been defunded by the Canadian government. But they're famous for their political skills, taking over academic forums and then using them to set themselves up as "recognized experts." I think if we call the APA on it right away, they'll fold and replace them.

Here's a link to more info: http://www.bilerico.com/2008/05/uh_oh.phphttp://www.bilerico.com/2008/05/uh_oh.php

Please help. Spread the word to everyone you know. Any contacts you have with LGBT political advocacy and media organizations, please light a fire with them to pressure the APA to remove Zucker and Blanchard from the DSMV committee. It matters for all of us.

Thanks for all you do.

The APA press release states that for further information regarding this, to contact Rhondalee Dean-Royce rroyce@psych.org and Sharon Reis sreis@gymr.com, though it's possible that they may govern the press release only, rather than have any involvement in the decision to appoint Zucker. The APA itself is headquartered at 1000 Wilson Boulevard, Suite 1825, Arlington VA, 22209.

or go to http://www.thepetitionsite.com/2/objection-to-dsm-v-committee-members-on-gender-identity-disorders

2008-05-20T18:05:00.001-07:00

I've been seeing the doctor for migraines. The event that pushed me to get medical help rather than my usual do-it-yourself approach was being summoned for jury duty, which would be especially hard because I get migraines when I get up in the morning without exception. That's why I work only on afternoons and evenings. So we're trying different medications. He wanted me to get an MRI and blood work done. Here are the MRI results from last Thursday's scan (which was like being in a spaceship with a Russian woman counting down and all):

Normal just as I had expected. I knew it was merely a chemical imbalance issue having to do with too much of the chemical norepinephrine (the brain's version of adrenaline). It is produced whenever the brain or senses are in any way stimulated, and this is especially pronounced in those with Asperger Syndrome. Whether or not I still qualify for that diagnosis (which I likely don't due to my newly learned social skills), I still have all the physical symptoms at full force. See here:

"Accounts written by people with Asperger’s Syndrome state that their disability is directly linked to their senses and their sensory processing. So let’s look at the biochemical processes that occur when our senses are stimulated...

Scientific studies have shown that individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome have much higher levels of dopamine beta hydroxylase in their systems than in ordinary individuals...

Stimulation from the environment enters our brain through our eyes, ears, skin, nose and mouths... The enzyme dopamine beta hydroxylase is released from nerve endings during stimulation. Dopamine beta hydroxylase (DBH) is essential for cell communication and regulating neurons in the central and peripheral nervous systems. An increase in stimulation results in an increase in the level of this enzyme." From Asperger's Syndrome and Unequal Reaction to Pain

Now, read this:

"A DBH inhibitor's mechanism of action is to decrease neuronal noradrenaline (NA) release by inhibiting DBH conversion of dopamine (DA) to NA." From Nepicastat for PTSD

Too bad that drug Nepicastat isn't FDA approved and on the market yet. I'm really wanting to try guanfacine instead, but my doctor needs to research it first before he's willing to prescribe it. I already did the research, damn it! But I understand it's part of responsible medical practice. Part of me is a control freak who needs to take total charge, but another part realizes she doesn't know everything yet. But I do know for sure that I need to reduce norepinephrine levels if I ever want to be comfortable. That's also what I think is causing the sensitivity to fluorescent lighting. All I can do right now is avoid stimulation, but that's out of the question in a busy lifestyle.

2008-04-30T16:52:00.000-07:00

Last night (April 29, 2008), I spoke at my professor's support group for parents with autistic children about my life growing up with Asperger and how I've managed to deal with and partially overcome some of the symptoms. Here's the 45-minute mp3 file:

My talk to the Armenian Autism Outreach

2008-04-28T03:15:00.000-07:00

I'm on spring break and really enjoying it. I'm getting so sick of Pepperdine and normal classes that I wish I were done now and not in August. But the end is in sight, thankfully. It's not that Pepperdine offers a bad education, but I'm tired of driving to Encino and dealing with the evil lights that hurt me.

I'm definitely doing my Psy.D beginning in January at Ryokan College, and I'm attending classes as live interactive webcasts so I don't have to suffer any more from fluorescent lighting. (They offer both options, and I now own a projector instead of a tv...) I'm not too worried about them changing their minds when they get my transcripts. I heard after applying to the program that the intern coordinator at my work just finished her coursework in the same program and is currently working on her clinical case study (the dissertation but focusing on just one client, couple, or group for 100 pages somehow). She said she loved the courses but wishes she could have done a traditional dissertation. *Shrug* I'm just glad I found a program to 1) Accommodate my physical sensitivity and 2) Only take 2 years or less to complete. Every other psych doctoral program would take another 5 years even after getting the master's. Screw that. I want to focus on building a business for myself and not linger around in classrooms for ages.

I've been debating which license I want to pursue and am facing a dilemma. The MFT license (marriage and family therapy) is the one my master's prepared me for, but it's less prestigious and makes you slightly less money than the PSY license (clinical psychologist). But the PSY license requires more total clinical hours within a shorter time span (5 years versus 7 years for the MFT, and none of your paperwork hours count, unlike the MFT license). So I'm leaning toward the MFT license. I don't really care if my insurance-using clients have to pay $10 extra because insurance won't cover that little bit. No biggie. And I'm not worried about the prestige aspect if I'll have a doctorate anyway and will be in private practice for myself. The MFT license is "powerful," as one of the Ryokan directors put it to me, even though their program prepares you for PSY licensure. He also said it's great if that's your practice's niche, and the role of relationships in mental health is becoming much better known over time.

Meh. Last week, I was really stressing about making myself go for the PSY license just because it was better, and in the back of my head, I have to be the best possible. I sometimes set overly high expectations for myself that inspire me to quit altogether if I don't reach them. But I must constantly bust through the all-or-nothing thinking to normalize, and I'm perfectly happy with the MFT license again. I just want to ensure success - whichever route is most likely to take me there, considering my preferences and needs. I must forgive myself more for these needs as I mature. I'm talking about needing to take my time as I accumulate direct client hours (people=exhausting) within a certain number of years, plus the lights thing. I can't do everything others can do, as much as I wish I could. I could probably only see clients 4 days a week at the rate of 3 per day and stay sane. That would still make me quite a decent living.

Update 5/1/08:
Paperwork preparing and administrative work, such as phone calls, DO count toward the clinical psychologist license, thankfully. A current Ryokan student corrected my misunderstanding, and this may lead me to change my plans.

2008-04-23T21:58:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what this is based on or if it's a valid test, but it was fun...

"Laura took The Codependency Test and wanted to share their result with you.
The Healthy One
(You scored 31% Enabling, 21% Dependent, and 74% Stable!)

Congratulations!! You are a well-adjusted person. Chances are you have a lot of friends because they recognize that you are interested in being a 'real' friend and don't just look at them as someone to rescue or be rescued by.

You will have much success with relationships if you keep up this healthy trend away from codependency."

Hmm. So I'm a little enabling. That result actually makes sense. I've tried to get away from that trend over the years and am getting there.

I also did the Quick and Painless Enneagram Test (personality types):

your Enneagram type is THREE (aka "The Performer").

"I need to succeed"

Achievers are energetic, optimistic, self-assured, and goal oriented.

How to Get Along with Me

Leave me alone when I am doing my work.
Give me honest, but not unduly critical or judgmental, feedback.
Help me keep my environment harmonious and peaceful.
Don't burden me with negative emotions.
Tell me you like being around me.
Tell me when you're proud of me or my accomplishments.

What I Like About Being a THREE

being optimistic, friendly, and upbeat
providing well for my family
being able to recover quickly from setbacks and to charge ahead to the next challenge
staying informed, knowing what's going on
being competent and able to get things to work efficiently
being able to motivate people

What's Hard About Being a THREE

having to put up with inefficiency and incompetence
the fear of not being -- or of not being seen as -- successful
comparing myself to people who do things better
struggling to hang on to my success
putting on facades in order to impress people
always being "on." It's exhausting.

THREEs as Children Often

work hard to receive appreciation for their accomplishments
are well liked by other children and by adults
are among the most capable and responsible children in their class or school
are active in school government and clubs or are quietly busy working on their own projects

THREEs as Parents

are consistent, dependable, and loyal
struggle between wanting to spend time with their children and wanting to get more work done
expect their children to be responsible and organized

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
Harper SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

Yeah, that's right in alignment with the narcissistic personality, which that clinical test MCMI also indicated. Not bad for a 2-question online test.

2008-04-21T02:20:00.000-07:00

I went to the Body Worlds exhibit today, and it was cool but a bit overrated. If you've seen pictures, you've seen the exhibit. Nonetheless, I'm very pleased with this poster featuring a Nietzsche quote I picked up there:

2008-04-17T00:22:00.000-07:00

Asperger shrink update time again. Saw Dr. Gale today for about 1 1/2 hours.

We just talked the entire time, including during a little walk through a supermarket so he could observe me in the outside world.

He did most of the talking, and I felt like I had to keep reminding myself to say certain bits of information before getting too distracted and having the appointment end without them being said. But I must conclude that I truly trust his judgment, even when he plays devil's advocate in questioning my symptoms. He validates them more than anything, and I know he's just making sure to rule out other things. He acknowledged things like my intelligence, adaptability, mental plasticity, sensory struggles, and food dislikes (highly mixed up dishes with too many ingredients as I saw in the market). I feel better now because he did an equal amount of validating as he did questioning. Otherwise, it would feel like my dad doubting and discounting my troubles all over again, but this quest of mine is about self-respect at last, as I put it to Dr. Gale. It's about acknowledging that it's ok to have problems with fluorescents, sounds, chaotic social interactions, heavy driving, and needing an inordinate amount of alone time and about making sure that other important figures in my life respect that too. I realize my place on the spectrum is so low, especially these days, that it's easy to be missed by others, so I'm being more forgiving of doubters.

That said, he isn't sold that it's Asperger but is certain that there's definitely something there. He didn't want to name anything yet, but I'm going to guess PDD NOS like I previously suspected. Although, I'm also wondering whether he'll go in the direction of nonverbal learning disorder, since that can be very mild too. When I said I was giving a talk about my life on the spectrum to a group of parents, he said I would fall into the "recovered category" and that I should focus on the related symptoms and how I've learned to deal with them. That's pretty much how I planned on approaching it anyway, but I thanked him for the advice. Some people who don't know me well enough might have guessed that I would have resisted not getting the exact Asperger diagnosis, but being called "recovered" from it boosts the ego!

We talked in depth about the way that Vitamin D helps my functioning and he pressed the points that I'd never be an objective experimenter on myself and that there aren't clear double blind studies, blah, blah. I told him I knew that I could never be 100% objective with myself but I could be careful about placebo and that there are in fact some preliminary studies on D and autism. I also said I had tried a billion different things for 2 years before discovering with great surprise that D could work and that, for some reason the oil gelcap form doesn't work but dry powder capsules work. I also mentioned that I periodically go off it to test myself and consistently revert right back to my old melancholy and disconnected, random thinking within a week every single time. It's quite an obvious and strong difference. So I'm pretty sure it helps by boosting serotonin, which increases connectivity between neurons. He wondered out loud how severe or mild you'd have to be to experience such a noticeable improvement and then swiftly changed the subject. Wow, that was a bit of a debate.

He said he has shifted his focus in this assessment process because, after doing some research, he figured out that he can't really help me by requesting accommodations to extend the 6-year time window to get my therapy client hours before licensure. It's too far off, so if I were at year 5 of the 6 maximum allowed, THEN I should come to him for such a letter. But, now, he just wants to nail down what diagnosis is most appropriate so that I can proceed in other ways. I'm fine with that. He knows that I'm not wrapped up with the name of the diagnosis for identity purposes, which relieves me. I'm so glad he isn't like that other tester.

He had had a 40-minute conversation with my father, which gave rise to discussing the impulsive but ultimately healthy car purchase situation and that friends ask me for money, which I have to be assertive against. Also, he mentioned my dad was thinking of getting a trustee to help manage my finances.

We talked about narcissism in the family and myself - most notably that on the personality test called the MCMI, my narcissism score was "off the charts." (I had asked him about the results, and he answered instantly.) He said this is actually frequently found in Asperger cases, although other people can have it too. I said I had known about that side of myself and agreed that others have it, since it's definitely in my [neurotypical] family members (especially dad). I laugh that stuff off, honestly. As long as one is aware of it and keeps it under wraps, it's a good trait for achieving highly.

He recorded his debriefing about me while I was still in the room so I could hear all the information he gathered about me, which was impressive and interesting.

Unfortunately, he got the report from that previous tester that I didn't want him to read. I guess I didn't clearly enough write on the release of information form that I only authorized release of the raw test data. I warned him that much of it was false and inaccurate and would throw him off. He offered to have a separate session to go through it and have me correct the mistakes with him. How nice and patient! (Aside from him getting my money, but still, it makes me feel better than if he just read it without consulting with me on the content. I respect how up-front he is.)

I was so preoccupied with all of this that I got to my final exam 10 minutes late! Oops. Doesn't matter because I finished half an hour early anyway and feel that I did well. I guess I was much more interested in my time with Gale than getting there on time, which is extremely rare for me. I'm usually more concerned about exams on an exam day.

2008-04-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

The homemade toothpaste experiment has resumed, and I've tried a few more things since the last post on the subject.

I'm currently using saponified olive oil soap on my toothbrush, but I'll describe how I got to this point (boring as that may be to most people!).

I bought this stuff called Tooth Soap ("plain jane" version), consisting of a mixture of 3 saponified (made soapy so it foams and washes away) oils - olive, coconut, and palm. Unfortunately, the unpleasant tang of the palm oil disgusted me so much that I couldn't continue using it.

I'd given up on using all mineral abrasives, since every one of them has caused troubles for my system in differing ways (silica in commercial toothpaste, calcium carbonate, dolomite powder, dicalcium phosphate). I tried brushing my teeth with honey for a while, since it has plaque-fighting and antibacterial qualities, and the sugar doesn't break down until it hits the stomach. It definitely worked in keeping my teeth feeling clean all day, but the B vitamins in it caused overstimulation side effects (I never tolerated that vitamin cluster well), so I had to quit. I tried using xanthan gum and water with ginger (but it spoiled quickly), witch hazel powder (dislike the flavor and brown color), grapeseed extract (great against plaque but way too bitter), and myrrh (too perfumey and also brown).

The last failed experiment was using lemon juice and baking soda (neutralizes the citric acid, as verified with pH testing tape) with xanthan gum and water, but that too spoiled in a couple days and made me feel a bit sick. I don't want to have to refridgerate my toothpaste, so I abandoned the perishables.

I found a bar of soap at the health food store by Kiss My Face that consists entirely of saponified olive oil, water, and salt. It works and doesn't cause any problems! (so far, but I doubt it) I just rub the moistened brush on the dry bar and go. I still wish Tooth Soap worked out because I like the liquid form, so perhaps writing them about my dislike for the palm oil and requesting a formula without may help. I saw a couple testimonials by others who dislike it too despite the cleaning effectiveness and positive dentist reactions.

Down with fluoride and glycerin toothpastes. I think I've felt a bit better and clearer-minded since giving up fluoride, but I have no certainty that this isn't due to something else or even placebo. And yet the information on its drawbacks is enough to convince me of my avoidance. The American Dental Association even admits it now. So when are we going to see commercial toothpastes without it? I guess when people start voting with their dollar.

2008-04-13T23:23:00.001-07:00

My Emotions Guidelines

Emotions are there to serve a function - to tell you something about yourself. Once understood, the intensity goes down. Never judge yourself for having any particular emotion. Judge yourself for your behaviors.

Emotions pass, even unpleasant ones.

Emotions can only exist through chemical changes in your brain. Thoughts and perceptions create these changes. Changing the way you think can very powerfully change the way you feel.

Problem solving skills can help you alleviate pain. Having a good game plan helps you feel better along the way toward achieving goals - from tiny to large ones. (Evaluate all options, choose the best option, observe the result, if it doesn't work try something else.)

Know thyself. This saves a lot of trouble and confusion. Without certain weaknesses, you could never have the associated strengths. Accept the whole package without insecurity and always develop further.

Positive, lasting lifestyle changes create permanent, generally pleasant brain chemical states. That's why, for most people, life is easier in later adulthood - when things are more in place.

2008-04-10T01:41:00.000-07:00

This is a little bizarre.

My parents are currently in China, where they were going to spend 3 weeks followed by a week-long stop in Australia before heading home to Utah.

The week before they embarked, I was having a horrible ominous feeling. Two nights before they were scheduled to leave, I was even crying, and I rarely cry or have feelings that strong these days (especially, when not hormonal!). My dad is currently 81 and went to Saudi Arabia a couple years ago on business, and I felt nothing about it. So why now? I wrote them an e-mail that night saying I didn't like that they were going because so much could go wrong on such a long, far away trip to a Communist country where who knows what the safety and medical care were like. I felt like there was some danger coming up for them, even though I knew they were set to visit established and organized tourist spots which their friends have visited without problems. I felt like I could possibly lose a parent prematurely. My mom got upset that I was upset, and that always makes her cry and freak out. By the next morning, I was fine again and had to tell her so in order to relax her. (I tend to bounce back quickly when I realize the time to exert influence has passed and it's time to let go.) But she also was stressing about the trip and feeling extremely reluctant, despite my dad's enthusiasm and insistence. They had a full schedule of daily sight-seeing and a long cruise visiting various ports, which she felt would be too much for either of them.

A couple days after they'd embarked, my mother called and said that they missed their first flight and had to travel for 2 days straight, then wait for their luggage at the airport for 3 hours, which really upset and tired my dad. I said "I'm sorry that happened, but...I told you so!" My mom said that everything was alright now and not to worry. I said, "Yeah, for now it is. We'll see what happens next." I knew it wasn't over. I'm usually a very optimistic person, mind you.

I didn't hear from them for about 5 days. I kept expecting to get a shocking phone call but didn't, so I tried to put it out of my mind and stay focused on my work and life at home.

Well, tonight, mom called me saying she didn't want to tell me before because she was too busy crying, but my dad had to go to the hospital. He passed out after getting woozy and out of it and scrambling his words. She said it was kind of like a mini-stroke, but she thought from the strange position his body went into that he was dying from a massive stroke. Turned out, this strange episode was related to his diabetes and the fact that he hadn't been taking his insulin shot or eating enough. (Did he just want to totally escape all his problems during this trip and go into denial, inevitably suffering the consequences later? But she said they also didn't serve enough food on the planes. No use for insulin without food.) He thought he was over the first episode and then had a second one 2 days later. The doctor said he hadn't yet had the chance to recover from the first, so it was no wonder. After the second was when he stayed at the hospital overnight. (My mother reports they have great hospital service, surprisingly.) They've canceled their cruise and are going straight home after a little more time checking things out at the hospital. They aren't even going to see my mom's family in Australia, since she doesn't want to take any chances. She's angry at the travel agent for probably lying that they couldn't change their trip schedule, since she thinks he just wanted to keep as much money as possible.

She says my father didn't even believe that the second one happened and kept trying to deny it. He must have really lost consciousness.

I don't believe in paranormal phenomena just for the sake of it, following the principle of Occam's razor, but I knew from the start that something bad would happen and that this sense was no coincidence. It wasn't even a thought per se, but a strong "message" in my head emanating seemingly separately from my consciousness. I hadn't had this happen in many years, but my mom has had it occur many times too. It only happens in relation to people we have a strong connection to (like my mom sensing what's happening to her twin sister in Sydney when something's wrong).

Err, and...I also very nearly fainted last night while getting out of the shower at about the same time he had the second episode, but that was probably because of the new piercing I got a few hours earlier. (Although that has never happened to me after piercings. Huh. I've never fainted once in my life.) Not going to read too much into that one, though, because it was probably just the physical shock to the system.

2008-04-08T15:04:00.000-07:00

What is wrong with you people?! Got this letter from the professional organization AAMFT of which I'm a member in my inbox:

Is your MFT license in danger?

Don't you hate inter-organizational squabbles? I do. For years, I've worked collaboratively with CAMFT, its Executive Director (Mary Riemersma), and Richard Leslie (who has worked both for CAMFT and AAMFT). However, it appears that AAMFT is having a fundamental disagreement with CAMFT at this time. I believe it is important to talk about it openly and clearly.

Why does this dispute matter, and why should you read this letter? Because CAMFT has portrayed, and continues to portray recent AAMFT actions in California as a "turf battle" between AAMFT and counselors, when in fact, our disagreement is with CAMFT and involves the core direction and future of the MFT license and profession in California—and how you may well be licensed in the future. It is a hard thing to say, but it seems to me that anything that distracts from having full disclosure and conversation about that fundamental disagreement has become fair game in CAMFT publications, and I anticipate, in speeches that may well be made at the upcoming CAMFT conference. Don't be distracted—consider what isn't being said as well as what is being said in these venues.

As part of disclosure, I acknowledge that there have been challenges for AAMFT in negotiating a relationship with counselors across the country over the years. Most of those disagreements have been because counselors in many states—and even at the national level at times—have taken the position that MFT does not deserve to be recognized as a discipline, or that MFTs don't deserve a license as MFTs. (That battle is going on now in West Virginia and Montana, for example.)

However, the issue is not whether "counselors exist." It is whether "MFTs exist." Had AAMFT allowed the perspective to prevail in the rest of the country that MFTs did not, in fact, exist as a separate discipline, the MFT profession in California would have been an "orphan" profession, existing in California (for a while) but having no weight or influence at the federal level at all.

CAMFT has known of this battle over the years, and was supportive of AAMFT waging it—at times criticizing AAMFT, if anything, for still having "multi-disciplinary members" in AAMFT; that is, individuals who were also licensed as social workers, psychologists, or counselors. CAMFT was very focused on ensuring that "only MFTs" were part of AAMFTs membership, and especially, governance...to the point of announcing through various means that CAMFT was considering starting a national organization "Of MFTs, for MFTs," as the saying went. The MFT identity seemed paramount, central, and critical to CAMFT.

Now, after 40+ years of advocating for that position and the license, CAMFT appears to be changing course, and looking to a future when the MFT license will no longer stand or be recognized as an independent license. While I have not seen this view of the future published to CAMFT members in the CAMFT Magazine, "The Therapist," CAMFT has offered testimony in the California legislature that clearly indicates that it sees such a future as acceptable—in fact, "projected," despite its years of work specifically for the MFT license. One wonders why that projected future hasn't been published in a "Feature Article" in the Therapist. It certainly represents a fundamental shift of direction.

Again, while CAMFT is portraying AAMFT's actions regarding the Licensed Professional Counselor legislation in California as a "turf battle," (which was asserted by CAMFT's lobbyist in verbal testimony in the legislature in July and implied in several places by the CAMFT Executive Director), written statements presented by CAMFT, while purportedly neutral on the legislation, on July 9, 20007, before the Senate Committee on Business Professions and Economic Development indicate that, "At some time in the future, we project there will be only one masters level profession in California, with individuals specializing within that license...."

Taken at the plain meaning of this language, the MFT license would disappear, the social work license would disappear, presumably everyone would be regulated as some sort of generic counselor, and that CAMFT would be fine with that. In fact, the whole context of the testimony implies support for that position. In the July hearing, the Chair of the Committee stated that CAMFT's testimony was the "quite strong neutral testimony," indicating it was most unusual for neutral testimony to be, in fact, so positive.

AAMFT became alarmed because this is precisely the foundational battle that we have fought with counselors in other states (with CAMFT's awareness and support—to this point in time). We have raised our voice and made our presence known in California now because CAMFT seems more than willing to cede ground that AAMFT has fought for everywhere else in the country, and which we always assumed CAMFT shared—the very existence of the MFT profession, and the right for MFTs to be licensed, employed, and reimbursed as MFTs. If CAMFT's "projected future" were to come to pass, all those sections in law in California that legitimize MFTs would become irrelevant. This "new" license would have to start over at the beginning for legal recognition and acceptance in all those sections of law where MFTs have fought so hard to be included.

We've always believed, given CAMFT's history, and since there are about 28,000 licensed MFTs in California, that the MFT license and professional identity was a settled issue in the state. At least, you'd think that. We never envisioned a scenario where CAMFT would testify to the legislature that it projected a future when the MFT license did not exist. Yet here we are.

Turf battle? Hardly. Is it irrelevant to you, whether you are already licensed or in training? Nothing could be more relevant. It's not a turf battle when someone commits identity theft. Who owns the name, and whether the name exists, really matters. While we are talking about professional identity, the issues and concerns are just as profound.

There's more to be said, but I'll save it for another post. CAMFT has very recently made egregiously false statements about AAMFT's history and AAMFT-CA's actions that I believe are part of the distraction from this larger discussion. You'll hear from me again, with documentation of why those statements are false.

Again, I do not like organizational squabbles. I probably don't like them any more than you like someone potentially giving away your license or your professional identity without telling you. AAMFT will not allow the MFT professional identity to be given away, or stolen. If that is labeled a turf battle by others, that's a label we will wear without apology.

Sincerely,

Michael Bowers
Executive Director, AAMFT

I haven't heard the other side of the story, to be fair, but it seems like a lot of work that has culminated in benefit for many professionals will have been wasted. I'm going for the MFT license myself, but I may need to reroute toward the clinical psychologist license.

2008-04-02T22:21:00.000-07:00

This post is frivolous, but I must comment on my cat's behavior. I'm not too energetic right now, so I'm easily amused.

When I get home from class, she won't leave me be unless she's gotten her minimum 20 minutes of direct attention. She'll keep following me and mewing until she's satisfied from petting and/or holding in arms. I can't even eat a snack first.

If I wait too long, she'll try to get me into a game of hide and seek. Now, I don't normally like anthropomorphizing animals, so I'm always skeptical of people who attribute human capacities to animals. But it distinctly seems like she's doing this premeditatively to get me engaged. She'll run off and hide behind something, then mew ("I'm ready. Come find me.") Then, I have to go find her and, if I succeed, she comes over and greets me. But if I can't find her, she stays in her spot until I call her name ("Maya"), and she comes out with an intense stare and more demands for pettings. She did this whole sequence 2 or 3 times in a row tonight and then left me alone the rest of the night.

People who want children should have a sphynx cat as a reality check first. This is all I need in my life "child"-wise.

2008-03-30T20:19:00.000-07:00

We've been hearing a little about hydrogen car prototypes on tv commercials lately, but the Air Car may also be coming out in the near future.

Air car

It would cost $3 to fill a tank. Can't complain, as long as the performance compares to at least the current most economical cars. (I won't expect it to perform like my SRT8.)

2008-03-30T19:26:00.000-07:00

I found this PDF document of a presentation describing future (hopefully) category changes of autism spectrum disorders to the DSM:

New Definitions of ASD for DSM-V

By these guidelines, all autism spectrum disorders will be collapsed into one category, and PDD NOS will include specific subtypes. I think that if I don't qualify for typical Asperger, I probably qualify for atypical Asperger as a subtype of PDD NOS.

I think these changes would help those of us who fall through the cracks of the current rigid system. PDD NOS is so vague. Also, they would create more unity among autists and Aspies at both personal and clinical approach levels.

2008-03-29T03:09:00.001-07:00

I really disagree with the stance of clinicians' discouraging self-diagnosis. It seems like they're clinging to an old-school style of holding onto all the power while taking it from the client. I like that the more modern schools of thought - like postmodernism's narrative therapy - put power back onto the client through defining his or her experience. And I strongly believe that sharing everything with the client is helpful in enabling him or her to improve and work on the problem (so long as the person is lucid and not psychotic or mentally retarded). I always show my clients the treatment plan I've come up for them and ask if they want any changes or corrections. (Within reason, of course. I wouldn't agree to taking off the diagnosis of a drug addict in total denial, for example.)

I don't think it takes a whole lot of special training to understand basic descriptions and learn more about specific conditions. Discouraging self-diagnosis or self-analysis is remindful of the days when only clergymen could read religious texts and the laypeople could only listen to their interpretations. They weren't even allowed access to the texts, let alone trusted to make their own judgments and decisions. I find that so backward, unsettling, and restrictive.

That's not to say it isn't helpful to hear the impressions of a professional who's more experienced in observing and working with certain conditions or populations than you are. Feedback and consultation can be quite helpful but, even after that point, it should still be up to you on whether or not to accept the theories being put forth about you without essentially being punished for trying to understand on your own. How can any responsibility for self-improvement develop otherwise? That's the path to growth.

2008-03-28T03:33:00.000-07:00

Now, let's briefly turn to personality disorders.

I don't believe that I have any, but the tester who wrote my report hinted at having narcissistic personality and obsessive compulsive personality traits (not the same as OCD). I would agree but must add that these come out on certain days and only in certain situations; I'm generally balanced overall. I think they're mostly inborn traits that your parents might share in common with you due to shared genetics, although some say they come from early relationship influences. I think it's probably a mix but mostly on the biology side. You wouldn't see any of that in the first place if you didn't have the genes for it. These things merely require the right triggers for them to noticeably manifest.

Oh, and when I'm low on vitamin D, borderline traits come out. When I'm on D, they totally disappear. Peculiar, isn't it?

I'm looking forward to the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM - that big book psychologists use for diagnosing people). It's going to describe personality disorder categories more as spectrums. About time.

2008-03-27T22:42:00.000-07:00

I had round 2 with Dr. Gale today.

We didn't do any talking/interviewing this time but, instead, some cognitive testing involving matching up things that go together and finding patterns, etc. He also asked me if there were any other areas I felt that I struggle with that he didn't test for. I mentioned my difficulty holding multiple pieces of information in mind at the same time and manipulating them without paper to write on, such as simple arithmetic involving multiple numbers at once (even though I can do complex physics and calculus problems on paper no problem). He asked if I have that problem when writing papers, and I said "Yes, it's a pain, but the extra effort makes the writing turn out good after all." Nobody's asked me that before, and I was glad to be able to articulate it for the first time.

He said we'd be meeting again for a feedback session. He will have consulted with my parents and hopefully received the previous testing results by then.

I asked him 2 questions at the end:

1) Does he use the Gillberg criteria? (No, just DSM.)
and
2) Does he write down his clinical impressions and diagnoses based on what's helpful psychologically or what would look good to third parties, or does he just write everything as he sees it in its totality? Some clinicians will leave out an Axis II diagnosis and only put an Axis I, for example. (He said he was keeping in mind my possible need for work-related accommodations and, upon learning I wasn't using insurance for his services, he said it wouldn't matter what was written on my records. I already knew this but wanted to see what he'd say. I can do what I will with my records, and nobody has to see it if I don't want them to.)

So here's my prediction: He'll probably say I currently qualify as having Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified, since I'm pretty good at socializing and responding in conversations (social reciprocity) but have some autism/Asperger symptoms nonetheless. And the fact that I'm able to be a therapist attests to that. But I probably qualified as having Asperger Syndrome as a child and then worked my way out of it. To get an idea for how this happened, see this excerpt from the personal narrative I wrote yesterday on a school application (which I handed to him as I left):

"I entered Williams College expecting to major in physics, but left with a B.A. in psychology instead, since I felt both perplexed by and distanced from the world of people. I set my mind on figuring out the inner workings of the human mind in order to fill my personal deficits and satisfy my natural leaning toward analytical thinking. I have a natural pull towards total self-actualization, and my urge to become a social being inspired this move. I decided that, if I could excel at speakers’ Spanish class and outperform the native Spanish speakers, I could learn to become effectively social too." (And then more on practicing and how Vitamin D helped me concentrate and achieve more awareness to improve social skills, etc., etc.)

I wouldn't mind getting the PDD-NOS diagnosis because I'd still be on the autism spectrum, as I've suspected all along, and I'm close enough to Asperger for the category to be a conceptually useful tool for finding solutions for myself. I'm probably "Asperger light" or "mini-Aspie," as I like to put it. As long as I get my work accommodations, I'm cool.

2008-03-27T02:44:00.001-07:00

I finally won something on blingo.com, after about 2 years of using it as a search engine. I had forgotten that I could even win, but I won a fandango movie ticket (or $5 from Amazon, but the monetary value difference is obvious, and I'm into seeing occasional movies). Yay.

I had a strange day in class today when the prof played a video again without any willingness to turn off the fluorescent lights, despite other students requesting it. And I had already shown her my letter from the Pepperdine disability office, but no such luck. I had my hands over my usual sunglasses and then realized it would be a good time to up and leave to the restroom. She does allow some of the lights to be turned off each class, but it was still too much during a video showing.

She followed after me on her crutches into the bathroom to check if I was alright. The irony was that the tape was about autism, leading her to think I may have been having an emotional reaction. Ha! I told her it was simply too much stimulation for me with both the lights and tv on at once, but I love the content and study as much as I can on the subject. She said I could wait outside the classroom for the final 10 minutes of the tape. I'm sure I wouldn't have learned much new info anyway. It was about the symptoms, parents' reactions, and ABA treatment (a behavioral treatment based on reinforcement of desired behaviors). About time she took notice, although I didn't expect or intend for her to come after me. I'm surprised she would be so stubborn about the lights during videos, since every other professor and student I've encountered in this program prefers watching them with the lights off. One can still write notes that way anyway. Hmm.

I've been annoyed by her way of handling us like children too, which makes me wonder whether her primary work of administering therapy to children is influencing her treatment of adults over which she also has authority. I walked into one class a few minutes late due to traffic and got 2 points taken off my midterm exam. There have been things she's said that felt like they were child-oriented too. Yuck. I'm always glad when I don't have to take courses taught by the same prof I disliked twice.

2008-03-24T23:46:00.000-07:00

The concept of anima and animus is one of the few Jung ideas I'm truly attracted to. I found this clear-cut page with diagrams and got dorkily excited:

http://www.cnr.edu/home/bmcmanus/anima.html

I wish to expand on these ideas and add the role of biology in creating varying amounts of both anima and animus in each person, which have significant lifestyle, partner choice, and psychological effects. It may be something I'll officially write about in the future - a book or article perhaps. Or even my Psy.D clinical case study later, to which I can apply these ideas. I've got a school in mind...

The original text on anima/animus by Jung can be found here, if you want some more involved reading.

2008-03-22T02:15:00.001-07:00

This is something new to me:

Nonverbal Learning Disabilities

It has a lot of overlap with Asperger, and I wonder if they are the same or nearly the same thing being described through different conceptual constructs.

I'm still in assessment phase with Dr. Gale. He said I'm difficult to judge and needs to see my test results and speak to my parents. He thinks it's possible I once qualified for Asperger but worked my way out of the official diagnosis through overcoming some of the difficulties. I could live with that.

And yet, I still struggle in some areas of my life: I can't for the life of me start up a conversation with a stranger without any previously specified subject to discuss. I can't tolerate or think of small talk that I can sustain long enough, especially not when taking in so much new sensory information at the same time. And then there's my work difficulties, namely people-related exhaustion.

2008-03-18T01:14:00.000-07:00

My individual supervisor's "Basic Recipe for a Successful Psychotherapy Private Practice":

Ingredients:
1 license
1-4 specialties (choose with heart)
1-2 theoretical orientations
1 assessment tool
1 technique
300 hours personal psychotherapy and supervision
liberal quantities of networking
marketing to taste

Directions:
Start with specialties, add license, and combine with other ingredients while working continuously 30-35 hours a week (August off) in a well-ventilated room for 5-10 years.

Yields about one 6-figure income.

2008-03-16T21:20:00.000-07:00

I've figured out that I do better giving therapy services than receiving them.

1) Most therapists totally misunderstand me and are biased toward emotion and not attentive enough toward biology (my neurological quirks affect a lot, including indirectly affecting my emotional life). It's possible that the fact I've had only female professionals (a therapist and a tester) may have had something to do with this type of bias, based on stereotypes, but I also include therapists I've briefly spoken to about myself, such as professors, who have jumped to incorrect conclusions.

2) I have better problem-solving, insight, and correlation capacities than most people and do well on my own in figuring myself out and finding solutions. I have a good ability to step back and look at myself "objectively," as though someone else were looking at me, which helps. Watching myself use these abilities effectively for others has led me to value my talents even more lately.

3) I don't need support; I need understanding of the way I naturally am without being misunderstood or in any way punished for it. I can get this from good personal relationships and, as I'm realizing now, an accurate diagnosis of my Asperger by a specialist and not some hack who thinks she can identify it without any experience or training. The diagnosis will be therapeutic in and of itself.

I've filed an official complaint to the California Board of Psychology, so we'll see if they consider it valid enough to take action (keeping my fingers crossed about getting some of my money back). I'm seeing this guy on Thursday for further testing: Dr. Gale

2008-03-11T02:22:00.001-07:00

Then again, my group supervisor Robert Harrison says overly "nice people" are actually enraged people.

I was purposely being nice because I knowingly want to maximize my chances that she'll comply with my request to correct the report. But I was holding a lot back. That still doesn't make me "cold to others." I'm a bit cold to strangers with whom I have no interest in having some sort of relationship. I just don't care to express warmth to them right away because that takes energy for acting that I have to manufacture, since it takes much time for me to genuinely bond to people. But if I have to fake it to start something new that I eventually want to care and feel warm about, I'll do it. After that point, there's no turning back in terms of my warmth unless the person I'm close to does something terrible or very unattractive.

Do normal people really care about every single new person they meet? I have a hard time believing that. At the least, I'm guessing they warm up more quickly than I do.

Again, the psychologist had a problem seeing the subtleties and situational differences.

2008-03-11T00:43:00.001-07:00

To give a more balanced view of how nice I'm being, I'm posting the latest e-mail I've sent the psychologist (since I haven't sent the previous tentative letter at this point and may not even do so in its entirety):

"Come to think of it, it may make more sense for me to just send you the corrections via e-mail and then we can meet later so I can just pick up the corrected report. That works better in terms of time-saving as well as making it less likely that things will be missed as you’re writing. Hopefully, it will be easier for you this way.:) (Unless you prefer we meet.) I hope you don’t mind. I just feel that I spent so much money, so I’d prefer an accurate depiction rather than a distorted caricature based on misinformation. Please do not take any offense. You did get a lot right on here, but I may have also misled you at points. Anything I didn’t touch upon here was correct in the report, which is great.

Please see the attached document when you have time.

Thanks."

The irony here is that what I have just done on my blog 2 posts ago - shared the harsher, tougher letter to the public first rather than the nice one - is one of the issues I've addressed in my clarifications to her. She said to me in the feedback session that others might find me cold, and I acted like I enjoyed hearing that, but here's the correction:

"When you said I may appear cold and egocentric to others, I know that was based on a personality type and that I nodded in agreement. But, honestly, I merely have this fantasy that I can be cold because, in fact, I’m quite sensitive to others and have felt that I’ve sometimes been that way to a fault. I have a history of over-helping friends in need to the point that I’m still owed thousands of dollars and still help them out with emotional problems. I’m deeply affected when there’s plight I can relate to, like depression, eating disorders, and other developmental disorders. Fortunately, I’ve been able to pull back some and let them help themselves more in the last few years. I’ve realized where my need to help comes from, so I don’t need the fantasy of being a cold person as much any more. I may have depicted myself that way to you, however, and I apologize."

2008-03-10T23:25:00.001-07:00

In response to the psychologist's claim that self-diagnosing gets in the way of knowing and developing myself and my relationships, serves as my way of finding identity, and interferes with my functioning:

The reason for my self-diagnosing is not so much for identity but for practical concerns so that I can problem-solve around any problems. Recognizing my sensory issues, for example, has led to many useful solutions (wearing special glasses in therapy sessions has made me “hear” more of what clients are saying). Explaining such things to people I’m close to helps our relationships because then things are not taken personally and problems can be worked around more effectively (such as needing more alone time and being more assertive about avoiding uncomfortably overstimulating environments). I only diagnose SO THAT I can function better. I am aware of all the other aspects that make myself up and base my identity on my abilities and personality characteristics. Being a therapist (and, ideally, a good one) and a balanced person with both personal limits and caring makes up far more of my identity than any notion of Asperger or other diagnoses. So I feel your conclusion that diagnosing gets in the way of knowing myself and having good relationships is false. Diagnoses are only descriptive, not definitive, and they serve a practical purpose. I’ve been cautious to only see them that way. I feel you don’t see my already deep understanding of my personality traits. Nothing you’ve told me has been news. What I was searching for starting 3 years ago was a reason for having neurological experiences that others don’t, which made me feel different. Now, I’m at peace because I know it’s not just “all in my head” or that I have a poor character or work ethic. And I can move on and work on other aspects of myself more effectively due to this increased self-acceptance. It’s been very positive for me.

2008-03-10T16:14:00.000-07:00

I recently got a report back from the psychologist who performed several tests on me in the past few weeks, since I wanted to see whether I could get the Asperger diagnosis for professional purposes. (I don't need it for identity or for anyone to tell me I have it in order for me to know I do.)

She got me almost completely wrong, so I sent her some clarifications of the facts she blatantly screwed up and also her extrapolations based on those falsehoods. Facts she got wrong include her thinking my mother was bulimic (nope, anorexic), that I didn't receive enough caring as a child, that I binged before purging - no, I only used to purge, and that I'm currently depressed, "chronically distressed," lonely, insecure, and empty. Wow, how did she totally mishear what I told her? I'm happy and fulfilled and have a good relationship with both parents (versus just my mother) and my boyfriend, despite a few small troubles and growing pains. She also thought I tattooed my body "in order to get back at her father." Haha. I did it IN SPITE of his preferences to the contrary, not BECAUSE OF them. That's an important distinction. I just follow my personal values and preferences, no matter what the consequence. In fact, the first time I really "rebelled" per se was getting that Dodge Charger he didn't want me to get. And, even then, it was a healthy act of individuation.

She said that, because I don't seem to have problem with eye contact, I don't have Asperger Syndrome. This demonstrates an incomplete knowledge about the syndrome, since it's more complicated than that and since many Aspies have a stiff, unwavering gaze. Actually, eye contact makes me uncomfortable and tires me very easily, but people don't see that because I hide my discomfort and do it anyway in order to make others comfortable and to gain their liking (if I care). It's because eye contact is so exhausting over time that I'm afraid I may not complete all the requisite therapy session hours with clients in time to sit for the licensing exam. I have to have a lighter schedule than most for this reason, and I'm interested in doing internet counseling down the road when I have the option. I want the Asperger diagnosis in order to possibly get an extension from the licensing board on the time window for accumulating hours if needed.

There's a lot more she missed than that, but it would be too lengthy to write about in one blog post. I'm now seeking a professional who knows more about these disorders, since I mistakenly thought she did when I started out with her. It sucks that I've probably wasted time and money.

If she refuses to correct her report after reading my clarifications, this is the letter I fantasize about sending her but won't:

"I am disappointed that you assumed so much without asking for clarifications from me, and then denied them when I later did. I have come to find that a good therapist or tester is one who asks plenty of questions about both the past and present, but you’ve decided to focus on the past and assume it is the same as the present, on top of taking on a few ideas – some true and some false - and twisting them based on your personal biases rather than matching my actual story. It’s possible you were also misinformed by [my former therapist], who too had difficulty understanding me - largely due to an incomplete knowledge of the way autism spectrum disorders work.

What you have basically done is reverted back to the “refrigerator mother” explanation of autism symptoms (in my case, “refrigerator parents”), which has since been revoked by the psychological community. You have essentially stayed in the middle ages of the psychological field’s knowledge due to your bias that all behavioral symptoms are due to emotions, and any biological claims are evidence of somaticizing unmanaged and unexpressed feelings. Evidence of my good emotion management and excellent progress in my parental and romantic relationships speaks contrary to such a notion, and my biological discomforts do in fact have obvious organic causes. I have struggled through my emotional problems and successfully overcome them, yet my Asperger symptoms remain due to neuro-gastrointestinal reasons. Who’d have thought that something physical could affect the emotional realm, right? Actually, it’s common knowledge in the field these days.

The lack of understanding I’ve had from my parents and from more than one psychology professional now was caused by not knowing the facts and by presumptuous interpretation without adequate exploration of my experience. If you had recognized that neurological difference caused many relationship problems and misunderstandings, you would see that your explanation is the reverse of the truth. You mistakenly assume it was the other way around, probably due to ideas about the normative population and to your bias toward emotion versus science and biology. Both must ALWAYS be taken into account.

My young appearance probably betrays my level of wisdom and awareness, but I feel I didn’t have the chance to express these sides of myself. You asked focused and guiding questions, and then time was up. I often felt our talks were incomplete, but I didn’t say anything because I wanted to trust your process.

When an intelligent and aware client approaches you saying they believe they have an autism spectrum disorder or AD/HD without any anxiety or mood problems, it is more than likely that a biological component is central and actually the primary cause of the person’s past or present troubles – physical, emotional, and relationship problems. I feel you have not studied these disorders well enough to know their true nature, and hence, assess for them. "If you think you have Asperger syndrome, you probably do," says Michael John Carley, Executive Director of Global and Regional Partnership for Asperger Syndrome (GRASP). From this web site article: http://autism.about.com/od/aspergerssyndrome/a/adultdxas.htm The symptoms are far too specific and distinctive to be created by psychosomatic means.

I was expecting to be referred to a psychological tester who was more expert on the subject of pervasive developmental disorders, since I initially asked the referrer specifically for an assessment of Asperger. I blindly trusted that I would be given one. After testing, you referred me to other, “more seasoned psychologists” within that scope of practice. I was quite peeved to find out you weren’t one yourself and feel that my family’s money was wasted.

The main lesson I got out of this experience is learning not to trust that every psychologist knows enough without asking them first about their experience in working with Pervasive Developmental Disorders (PDDs). I also learned that I tend to focus on the negative sides of my experiences toward perceived authority figures because I’ve historically had little sympathy and understanding from them in the past and want to elicit it. Therefore, I leave out some of my positive perceptions about my functioning. This is an issue that can be worked on in therapy and that can be healed by experiencing truly understanding future authority figures in my life. Unfortunately, my experience with you has been the opposite, and that bothers me. I hope that one of the psychologists you referred me to can give me a more corrective experience, which must necessarily go along with a good understanding of the truth about my neurological functioning and how it affects my daily life.

I would like to revoke my release of information so that others cannot access the faulty report you have made up about me. I know that HIPAA law requires that clients have the option of revoking authorization to release information. If you refuse, I will take legal action without hesitation, since a friend of the family is a lawyer.

Thank you for your time, and I expect your response in the next few days."

2008-03-06T01:12:00.000-08:00

I just had a flash from the past.

While watching a new Janet Jackson music video for a song called "Rock with U," I noticed some very familiar dance moves - specifically ones involving rolling around on the floor, as my dad used to describe the student performances of a dance teacher working at the studio in Miami where my mom and I took lessons back in the years of my adolescence (tap for mom, tap and jazz for me).

I decided to do a search for "Mia Michaels and Janet Jackson," and, though I didn't get any info on the choreography of "Rock with U"'s dancing, I did find a blog where a commenter said she collaborated on the creation of the routine in the "Feedback" video: See here for the comment and here for the video.

I'm so proud of Mia. I believe I took only one class with her. All classes at the Joe Michaels Dance Studio culminated in a large-scale stage performance at a local auditorium. The rest of the time, I took her sister Dana's classes for all my jazz dancing. Dana recently visited with my parents in Utah, and it was bizarre seeing her after all these years past my childhood.

The Michaels family has come far. Their mother Ruth used to pray for my mother whenever she had a physical problem, being a religious zealot. (Mom and I learned our tap dancing from her, as I believe she shied away from jazz and let her daughters take on that more modern style.) My mother isn't religious but thanked her for the kind thoughts anyway. I'm sure Ruth is proud of Mia too.

And another thing: Little did I know that, a decade later, I'd train with Janet Jackson's long-time singing coach (of 9 years) too. I just realized this strange coincidence! I wasn't even looking for anybody fancy in either case; I was just looking for somebody good, and things turned out that way. Freaky. (It was only after 3 lessons with the singing teacher that I found out about his celebrity clients.) Obviously, these pursuits never became career interests for me.

2008-03-04T01:05:00.000-08:00

I'm shying away from my usual experimentation with what I put in and on the surface of my body. The food poisoning I got a couple weeks ago from using aloe vera juice as a mouthwash base was so unpleasant that I'm sitting patiently in status quo land. And I'm sitting on a supply of dicalcium phosphate that I had ordered for toothpaste-making for fear of getting migraines again (which I had gotten from calcium carbonate), which disrupts my ability to work and patiently listen as a student and therapist. I'm brushing with only stevia powder for now, since it's sweet and antibacterial, but it's kind of gross and bitter in any amount but miniscule.

I will slowly and carefully resume completing my homemade cosmetics project, this time approaching it more wisely and with greater knowledge. Whatever I do, it allows me to accumulate greater knowledge, and that is valuable to me despite the troubles I have along the way. I've made many positive discoveries doing this and couldn't imagine never having done some of the experimentation I've done in the past, considering the solutions to problems I've found. I've already harped enough about Vitamin D, but I can give honorable mention to the combination of valerian root, hawthorne, l-theanine, and celery root as a nighttime relaxation and anti-overstimulation aid. (That's not to say I don't still revert to that good old synethic sleeping pill Unisom now and then.) There are others too, but I won't think of them until the specific problem I use them for pops up. Some supplements are becoming automatic habits for me in a good way. It's been a self-training process. "When you feel X, use Y asap."

I've been tired and feeling weird for a couple weeks, to my boyfriend's chagrin for the purposes of his weekend visits. I figured out today that it was my 2 horizontal navel piercings, which are unexpectedly infected. So strange that my body can't tolerate those particular piercings but it can others (vertical navel piercings, ears, etc.). This is the second time I've had the horiz ones pierced, since the same thing happened before (I thought I just needed a smaller gauge), so they're obviously not meant to be. Anyway, I'm glad to feel like myself again at last. I'm amazed at how my body so clearly and loudly tells me when to stop doing something. It's got a great self-preservation instinct.

I'll be graduating from my master's program in early August. Fortunately, I'll be able to slightly rearrange my counseling schedule to accommodate my changing class schedule for the last month and a half of both school and my internship at LA Gay & Lesbian Center. I'm still hoping to acquire an assistantship at an MFT's private practice and will be meeting with him for the 2nd time on Friday to get more acquainted (read: casual way to say interview #2). He may be into crackpot theories (Wilhelm Reich's), but I found out that it's very rare to find a private practice that can accommodate interns with extra clients on their wait list. People in the field that I've spoken to have said they generally could only find structured settings to get their required hours. But, considering my dislike of becoming a number in a large organization that may not take my special requirements seriously, it may be worthwhile to bite the bullet and deal with the crackpot stuff. I just want to see clients and get lots of experience. No more, no less.

2008-03-04T00:54:00.001-08:00

From the chapter "Pivotal Response Interventions for Autism" in Evidence-Based Psychotherapies for Children and Adolescents:

"'Reinforcing attempts' refers to rewarding the child's clear, appropriate attempts to respond to instructional materials or natural learning opportunities. Such response attempts are reinforced, even if the response is not a correct approximation of the targeted behavior. Interestingly, when response attempts are reinforced, the children increase their subsequent correct productions of the target behaviors, and they do so with a considerable amount of positive affect. This component of teaching may be particularly important for children with autism who experience repeated difficulties when they attempt a difficult task and therefore may have been extinguished for trying."

I found this point of the many taught to parents to ring especially true and am wondering whether it's specific to autistic kids or can be generalized to other groups with similar basic traits. (And I don't just mean kids struggling with any difficult task.) At least for Asperger kids, there's a known tendency toward perfectionism, which can lead to excessive self-criticism and subsequent feelings of defeat when things aren't done perfectly. But another possible element may be the difficulty an autistic mind has with imagining hypothetical outcomes. If one cannot imagine what it's like to succeed at a task and the experience hasn't yet been had, there's little motivation to reach such an achievement.

I've certainly had to learn some things the hard way, and more so than one might expect of someone at my intelligence level.

2008-02-06T22:57:00.000-08:00

Over at his blog Deconstructing Neurelitism, Mark Foster makes a particularly helpful clarification:

"A lot of people say that they do not want to be 'cured' of their Asperger's autism, and that Asperger's is not a disability. The second statement misses the context of the anti-cure movement.

The entire concept of not wanting to be cured comes from the involvement of many aspies with the disability rights community. More particularly, it is related to the social model of disability, which is intimately connected with the liberation movements in various disabled communities, including autistics, the deaf, the intersexed, and former psychiatric patients.

Asserting that one does not want to be cured is one of the main positions of the social model of disability. However, when some of those same aspies then say they are not disabled, it appears to reflect a lack of knowledge of the history of the autism rights movement.

See this article:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_model_of_disability

From the standpoint of the social model of disability, the process of disabling is performed by society. The emphasis is not on disabled persons. It is on how disabled persons become disabled, not so much by their differences, but by living in societies and communities which do not accommodate them.

I suspect that most aspies, once learning about the social model of disability, would substantially agree with it.

I was very disabled as a child and teenager. Now, as a tenured college professor, I do not consider myself to be especially disabled, but I would not say that I am not disabled at all. I live alone, spend most of my time by myself, and have never married."

----------------------------------

I do agree with it, for the most part, but I wouldn't expect people to accommodate some of my problems because that would inconvenience them far too much to justify the accommodation. Often, I just have to be choosy with where I work and what I do, which is not the responsibility of others. But for some problems I deal with, yes, understanding of my practical needs would be great.

For example, in class last week, my professor showed the class a video of play interventions for children in therapy. She had the lights on and, when I asked to have them off, she just went "Class, are we ok with it as it is?" Nobody even responded, but she left them on. The problem is that, when these lights are on at the same time as a tv, and I'm not wearing earplugs (which I can't in class in order to hear the content), it feels like my eardrums are being scraped out. The reason is I can hear the extremely high frequency sounds produced by both this type of lighting AND the tv, and they probably either cross streams or just add to each other. I wasn't going to abruptly get up and lobby for myself, but I did have my fingers on my ears the entire hour the video was playing. She took no notice or care. Next time she announces there will be a video, I will take her aside and explain. Most people prefer having lights off during tv programs anyway. I've never heard a complaint before in previous classes.

2008-02-04T18:59:00.000-08:00

This is my new car, as of Saturday. It's a 2008 Dodge Charger SRT-8. Yes, that means it's a V8. I love power and wasn't about to get some snooty luxury car over an awesome muscle car. Some idiot even tried to race me while I was test-driving it. When a close friend first saw it, he wondered why I didn't tell him I got the Batmobile.

I'm having the usual change-of-lifestyle crisis that happens to me any time I get a new place to live or car, etc. It's taking me a couple days to stop feeling upset, but my good choice helps. Also, there's been some family strife over this car, but I won't go into the complicated situation here. Things will settle soon. Ask me specifically if you care to know. I'm just going to be happy now...

2008-01-28T01:18:00.001-08:00

A brief overview of some things going on right now:

I'm currently counseling 5 clients, one of which is a new client struggling with bulimia. Treating someone with this problem is quite satisfying to me, since I had similar struggles and enjoy guiding people along a familiar road of recovery. I have a tendency to want to alleviate pain as quickly as possible, so I must restrain myself from suggesting natural mood-elevating supplements for those with depression. It's not appropriate while I'm working under the jurisdiction of an organization for which I'm an unpaid intern for liability reasons, but I'm figuring out whether doing this is legally and ethically advisable in one's own private practice. I've had mixed messages from expert sources - my practicum professor says it's perfectly acceptable and not an unethical dual relationship and that licensed therapists do it all the time with the disclaimer that they're not doctors and one should consult one's doctor. But my group supervisor at work says that marriage and family therapists specifically work in the scope of human relationships and their impact on mental health, so I should avoid veering into any even remotely medical territory. Hmm. I may want to get some consultation from my professional association (AAMFT).

I'm taking a course in psychotherapeutic interventions for children and adolescents, but I have zero interest in working with this population. They'd have to be precocious if I were to tolerate it. I was never childish in some of the ways most children are, in alignment with my mother's claim that I was "born a little adult." Baby talk never existed in my world, for example.

I went for an interview last week for an intern position at a small private practice so that I'll be prepared for the end of my current internship in August. We'll see how that goes and whether I feel we'll mesh sufficiently. The therapist wants to meet with me again in a month to get to know me better. I like that he requires his interns to do the same therapy work as his clients. When I said that I appreciated this requirement because I believe it's impossible to get your clients farther than you've gotten in your psychological development, he told me, "You have some wisdom at an early age." Hopefully, this perception gives me an edge over other applicants. I have no idea how I compare on this level. One would hope and expect youngish therapists in training to value and accumulate wisdom sooner than their peers, but who knows. (Wow, I'm turning 28 next month!)

I'm in the process of getting a full psychological assessment to see if I'll be officially diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. I'm quite sure that I will be but would like this result on paper for mostly professional and some personal reasons. This coming Saturday will be my third meeting with the psychologist. She has put me through various types of tests to observe my performance in diverse areas of functioning. Some of them seem irrelevant to this diagnosis, but oh well; I suppose her methods are standard protocol. I'll have to wait another 2-3 weeks after our next meeting before receiving and discussing her written report of the results. I sure hope it'll be worth it for the amount of money I'm paying. I'm simply viewing it as I do school tuition payment.

2008-01-24T00:43:00.000-08:00

I've had to reformulate my toothpaste recipe due to side effects and new negative information. Dolomite powder contains magnesium which, although I hear it's good for you to ingest, always gives me stomach problems and makes me sick and inflamed, slowing down my body and brain. Glycerin coats the teeth, which supposedly prevents remineralization, an important natural process that protects tooth enamel and prevents cavities. It also may promote growth of odor-causing bacteria. Furthermore, I noticed that my toothpaste was more effervescent when I removed this ingredient, so it was more enjoyable to use. I can't believe glycerin is in most commercial toothpastes, let alone that horrid fluoride which even the American Dental Association recently admitted is detrimental to teeth.

So I have replaced dolomite powder with calcium carbonate (PDF) and glycerin with water. Since glycerin is sweet, I wasn't using much stevia to sweeten my toothpaste before. But, now I will add more for both flavor and bacterial inhibition, the latter of which I probably need due to the large amount of sugar I regularly consume in the form of chocolate. (I never drink sodas or other sugary drinks.)

So here's the new recipe:

2 parts calcium carbonate (found it on iherb)
1 part water
dash of baking soda
dash of stevia
dash of xanthan gum (also on iherb)
vanilla extract to taste
pinch of cinnamon

I'm adding a little baking soda because it too helps with remineralization and as well as whitening teeth. I can't stand the saltiness, so I'm only using a little bit.

My next project is replacing my commercial aluminum-based deodorant with colloidal silver. Hope it works because nothing else has so far besides the aluminum stuff. I'm making sure to get the real thing because I don't want to end up like blue man, who used a bogus product.

This is what I do to get my mind off work. It's incredibly enjoyable to me.

2008-01-17T16:41:00.001-08:00

It's about time for an AS/autism-related post again.

This poster from autismfriend.com amused me. May not want cuddling!

So I guess if you're of the AS "persuasion," you may want to cuddle only sometimes but not too much? At least that's how I am.

Another thing: I pulled some excerpts from an article so that my dad may find some perspective, since he has trouble accepting deviation from the norm and seems to think I believe I'm "sick," which I absolutely don't - just different from most. Note that I left out the relatively dismal parts of the article, since he seems to have already heard enough of that aspect and responded too extremely and negativistically for my particular case. I care because he bases part of his self-esteem on how successful and socially acceptable his children are. He's at the age during which reflection on such things is particularly important to his sense of integrity.

GENIUS IS AN ABNORMALITY

Writing on “The Geek Syndrome” in the December 2001 issue of Wired magazine, Steve Silberman states that autism and its milder cousin, Asperger’s syndrome, are surging among children in Silicon Valley. Baron-Cohen and his colleague Sally Wheelwright have found signiﬁcantly more engineers, scientists, and accountants than average in the family history of children with autism. In my own case of autism, my family ﬁts this proﬁle. My grandfather on my mother’s side was an MIT-trained engineer who was co-inventor of the automatic pilot for airplanes, and I have several second and third cousins who are mathematicians. On my father’s side were many bankers and ﬁnancial people. Baron-Cohen looks upon the milder variants of autism and Asperger’s as differences in cognitive styles. Normal people are good at “folk psychology” (social interactions), he says, and people with Asperger’s are interested in “folk physics” (how things work).

One day a frantic mother called me, upset that her young child, who had an IQ over 150, had been diagnosed with Asperger’s. I told her that before all the labels were used, her child might well have been diagnosed as gifted. Both Osborne and I are concerned about medicalizing what may be a normal variation in personality. In American Normal, he describes his visits with several Asperger’s children who had “sky high” IQs. One ﬁve-year-old, for example, knew “the velocity of every famous tornado in history and was something of an expert on things like G forces and the statistics of tornado-related destruction.” Osborne goes on to quote Dr. Mel Levine, a professor of pediatrics at the University of North Carolina and nationally known author and consultant on learning disorders, who said that American psychiatry seems unable to conceive of healthy eccentricity or complex individuality. Instead, psychiatrists have evolved an elaborate coding system, which, he fears, gives them undue control over families.

I, too, am concerned that a diagnosis of Asperger’s may, for example, keep a talented child out of the gifted program at school. I wonder what would have happened to great geniuses in the past if they had been labeled with a disability. Norm Ledgin, the author of Diagnosing Jefferson, and I recently searched the literature to proﬁle famous scientists and musicians who displayed traits of Asperger’s and found many well-known names, including Charles Darwin, Gregor Mendel, Marie Curie, Carl Sagan, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and Thomas Jefferson.

Osborne devotes two chapters of American Normal to proﬁling Thomas Jefferson and the famous classical pianist Glenn Gould. Jefferson is described as pacing back and forth and constantly singing under his breath. His lifelong tinkering with his mansion Monticello was an Aspergerish obsession, and he loved mechanical devices, constructing and using elaborate dumbwaiters. Gould was much weirder than Jefferson, and, as he grew older, his obsessions worsened. He was an intense hypochondriac, for example, and collected hotel keys. In many ways a child who never grew up, Gould had an odd, stiff gait. Clumsiness and an odd gait are common in people with Asperger’s, probably as a result of immature development of the cerebellum and vestibular system (a ﬁnding of Bauman’s autopsy studies). In my own case, a brain scan indicated that my cerebellum was 20 percent smaller than normal; this would explain my own problems with balance. Despite Gould’s oddities, Osborne writes that he had an “uncanny knack for instantaneously seizing the structure of complex musical pieces in their totality.”

People with great abilities in one area often are poor in another. Einstein had a brain abnormality that some researchers think made his genius possible. According to Sandra Witelson, a researcher at McMaster University in Ontario, Canada, the parts of his brain that processed visual and mathematical thought were fused together. He was in the right environment to express his genius, however; today, he might be shunted through the special education system. Not to mention that a young patent clerk today would have great difﬁculty getting published in a physics journal.

---

How well an adult with Asperger’s will ﬁt into society will be partially determined by access to opportunities as a child to develop and use his talents. Osborne laments: “As the idea of genius has become increasingly discredited in a wider culture, it has simultaneously become increasingly medicalized. Talking to American graduate students, I often hear the casual remark: ‘There’s no such thing as genius; great men don’t exist...’ It’s a sentiment that appeals to American notions of equality. It is equality that is [viewed as] normal, not genius.”

Many hidden Asperger people are functioning well in their careers; I have interacted with them professionally. There is no way to turn a person with Asperger’s into a social being; he can only learn social survival rules and work to understand Asperger’s. I will always be a technical person who is more interested in science than in being social, and I have had to learn that I am from a land where people learn by logic and have few social instincts.

Genetics and biology provide the world with different kinds of minds. Whether or not these minds make great contributions to society is determined by both biology and the environment.

The world needs the Asperger’s people. After all, the social people who sat around the campﬁre talking were probably not the makers of the ﬁrst stone spear. It is also likely that the most social people did not create the great culture of our civilization, such as literature, art, engineering, music, science, and mathematics. Genetics and biology provide the world with different kinds of minds. Whether or not these minds make great contributions to society is determined by both biology and the environment.

From
The World Needs People With Asperger’s Syndrome
American Normal

By Temple Grandin

2008-01-15T00:33:00.000-08:00

Update on my health and body concerns:

I ended up fasting twice the week after my last fasting-related post, unexpectedly. I'm just following my body's lead with this fasting thing, and it seems I'm gradually inching toward fasting two separate days a week for 20 hours each. I always feel better afterward. It seems I'm losing weight at the rate of 1 pound per month from once weekly fasting (which I've been doing for just 2 months so far) due to increased insulin sensitivity while still eating lots of rich and sugary foods. This is a slow rate, I know, but I'm quite satisfied if it's a permanent and easily maintainable loss through a permanent change in habits. (I'm 7 lbs lighter than I was in November due to that 5-day fast plus 2 months of once weekly fasting). My weight does fluctuate when hormones come in (a sudden 2-pound upward jump overnight), but then it goes back down a few days later in the same amount that it rose. The rest of the month, it pretty much stays exactly the same.

I make my own toothpaste now in order to avoid fluoride (many health problems associated), preservatives (hormone imbalancing, carcinogenic, fattening), sugar alcohols (give me a sore throat), and menthol (ditto). Here is my recipe, which I mix in one of those small protein shake mixers:

2 parts dolomite (it's calcium-magnesium powder)
1 part vegetable glycerin
a little water
vanilla extract to taste
a dash of stevia (natural sweetener that kills bacteria)
a dash of cinnamon
a dash of xantham gum (to stabilize the consistency)

I love it.

I'm not really taking many supplements besides good old Vitamin D right now (and some cold and flu herbs). I tried going off it to see how my mood is now that I'm regularly fasting, so I skipped two doses. Alas, the situation-irrelevant melancholy came back, so I went right back on it and became upbeat again. No problem; I'll always need the sunshine vitamin.

I've changed all my water bottles from the standard Aquafina bottle that I'd continually refill to safer containers because I read that plastic numbers 1 (disposable water bottles) and 7 (most Nalgenes except the HDPE, aka #2, ones) are particularly unhealthy in multiple chemical ways. Plastics 2, 3, 4, and 5 are safe, however (look for the number inside the recycling symbol). I'm also adding a few drops of liquid stabilized oxygen to my bottles nightly to kill any growing bacteria.

You want to call me a health nut? Screw you, I don't care.

2008-01-14T21:48:00.000-08:00

For the new year, I've acquired some new creature comforts to reduce sensory and other kinds of strain. I will share them all with you here...

Ever adventurous with my eye wear, I decided to find out whether blue blocking sunglasses with the added element of polarization would further relieve my tension from both driving in the bright California sun and being under fluorescent lights at school and work.

I got these "Blublockers" in American Eagle style (polarized version) that apparently several Iraqi soldiers use and feel as though I'm having my own personal revolution.

I'm not used to being so relaxed during driving (as opposed to overstimulated and on edge), so I'm slightly afraid of complacently losing my alertness and having a wreck. But this fear is unfounded, as I'm adjusting just fine and enjoying my new lack of post-driving exhaustion. And these glasses are no match for the scourge of fluorescent lights, which pleases me like you won't believe. I still try to avoid these lights and turn some off in class and the intern office as much as I can get away with so that other people don't mind. I think the high-pitched sound emitted by these cheap lights also gets to me, but I don't have the option of wearing earplugs in either environment, where my hearing is quite necessary.

I guess polarized glasses help me because they protect the eyes from light that reflects in not only the horizontal dimension but also vertical. I'm still figuring out exactly how it works, but all I know is this really helps me, in addition to the UV and blue blocking. I even wear them while driving at night to reduce strain but, because they're a bit dark for that purpose, I also ordered these yellow polarized (but non-blue blocking) glasses and am awaiting their arrival:

For therapy sessions, I bought some cheap small black-framed glasses with clear blue-blocking lenses from Claire's. Couldn't find them online, but they look a lot like these:.

Wearing these is truly helping my concentration while I "therape" people because I can actually hear myself think rather than having my brain jumbled by the visual stimuli of the person in front of me. They make me a better therapist, and I'm never going back. Fortunately, they look like normal prescription glasses, but they have no vision correction to them, since my visual acuity is perfect or nearly perfect. My boyfriend teases me by saying I wear them to look smarter, but that's an absolute falsehood! I don't need props to come off as smart.:P

I've also purchased new earplugs, since the typical foam ones literally made me sick, probably because I didn't clean them enough and the bacteria built up inside my ear from sleeping with them in. I bought these neat all-silicone reusable ones - SilentEar - that the manufacturers claim are the best one can find:

So far, I'm quite pleased, based on watching tv with them to mask the high frequency buzz that bothers me. (I'm planning on selling my plasma tv and replacing it with a projector to which I'll connect my dvd player and satellite box. I'm sick of having to wear glasses and earplugs just to watch my favorite shows. Anyway, should be nice to have my own mini-movie theater for an equal or even lower cost than high-end tv's.) I'll also wear them to any clubs or concerts I attend, although I rarely do those things any more because I'm so pleased with the more basic aspects of my life these days.

Lastly, I've purchased three special pillows from Brookstone, all covered in their delightfully soft velour (in navy, navy, and beige, respectively):

My Pillow,

the n.a.p. Travel Pillow,

(My cat's under the impression that it's for her.)

and the n.a.p. Comfort Rest.

I use the travel pillow to elevate my head while I'm sick so that congestion doesn't get to me in my sleep. The others are just for lounging around on the couch while doing schoolwork or relaxing. My, I pampered myself.

2007-12-27T16:37:00.001-08:00

From this book on fasting.
I'm taking off this week's day of fasting and waiting til next week to do a 2-day one instead. I think just 1 day only uses up glycogen stores. If this pattern doesn't work out, I'll go the 3-day every month route. Fasting is so easy for me now, as hunger is barely noticeable. I had to give up the omega-3 fatty acids that I had been using for energy support during fasts, since they somehow make me sick every time, so I'm using small amounts of B5 (the anti-stress B vitamin) and citrus aurantium (which contains a mild stimulant called synephrine that viritually does not affect the central nervous system but still increases energy).

I expect to look 20 years younger than my real age and have fewer health problems, aches, and pains, etc. than my peers once I get older, as long as I make this a lifelong habit. Diets are no good, but fasting is the only thing that works for multiple purposes.

2007-12-26T22:32:00.000-08:00

How to Eliminate America's Addiction to Oil

By 2016, half of new cars sold here could be hydrogen powered? That'd be nice. The government and NASA are already using hydrogen power... I hope widespread use is more than just a pipe dream.

2007-12-16T20:25:00.001-08:00

I've developed a good new habit - fasting one day per week for exactly 24 hours. I started experimenting last month with a 5-day water/herbal tea fast and toyed with doing this monthly but ultimately decided to do a shorter fast more regularly. I like creating frequent habits rather than disparate ones, and a one-day fast is also less extreme. This past week was week number 3 of my new fasting regimen, and it's not that difficult. I read somewhere that, every time you eat, your set point goes up and, in between meals, it drops down. It seems that weekly fasting is lowering my set point (or "settling point," the more updated term that reflects changeability depending on various factors). I'm eating completely normally on days in between and still slightly losing weight or maintaining the 5-lb loss of my first fast. Chocolate, bread, protein, fat, whatever I want. It's bizarre, and I don't fully understand but am certainly appreciating this effect. Maybe I'm actually eating less overall and can't tell because my brain is satisfied more quickly.

I noticed that, toward the end of my longer fast, I developed a dull but significantly painful headache at the back of my head along with fatigue. I wondered if this symptom had anything to do with blood sugar but realized it was simply a sign of my nervous system running out of power after having used up all adrenaline. My system was moving into shutdown mode and telling me so. I was fine for the first 3 days, and I think the reason was I had been taking omega-3 fatty acids from fish oil (EPA, but not DHA, which is too stimulating), and this EPA keeps my nervous system up and running with energy to spare. Since the system uses body fat at a lower rate but needs a faster-burning source of energy for immediate, day-to-day energy, this had to be my solution and it does work. I wasn't willing to do a juice fast because part of the point of my fasting is to give my body a break from sugar and the associated rise in insulin, which is a major aging hormone.

I'm taking an online course on fasting through a site called Universal Class just for fun, since my school term ended this past week. If only all classes were this simply laid out and clear-cut. One-paragraph essays and multiple choice tests are fine by me. Anyway, I don't remember material unless I'm either 1) genuinely interested in it for my own practical use or 2) learning by doing something hands-on. I could write paper upon paper or study for ridiculously in-depth tests (and do well on them) and not remember anything at all in the long-term unless it satisfies at least 1 of the above criteria.

2007-12-16T19:32:00.000-08:00

Robert, the wise group supervisor, provided some incredible insight once again on Friday. He has a way of putting psychological concepts that I have an instinctive sense of into words for me for the first time. I'm not the only one in our small group to have this experience. I made some notes which I will share here.

The topic this time was grieving the loss associated with childhood neglect or other unsatisfied basic emotional growth needs. Although it's not the loss of a person or opportunity of one's choosing per se, it's a loss in that the needs were never met when they were important. If your parents did not raise you in a way that fulfilled either needs for closeness, validation, and connection or those of individuation, separation, and differentiation, that's not your fault. But it's necessary to acknowledge and recognize that you should have gotten these, ideally. Grieving such a loss is a task that requires conscious attention so that the lost needs are not projected onto romantic partners. Usually, such projections cause problems in the relationship (or even in the early dating process before starting one).

One must recognize that one will never get that lost fulfillment back, which is inevitably tough. To deal with the loss, it must be felt by stopping one's self from projecting it onto people and simply sitting with it in pain. After that point, one begins nurturing one's self. This too brings up painful feelings through being reminded that one never had the need met by parents. The sorrow at this point is a feeling that is useful, as opposed to depression, which is an absence of clarity in feeling and a heavy sense of void. After a while, the pain will lessen and self-nurturance becomes a habit. This is the task of growing into an adult - learning to be a good parent to one's self.

"Feelings only want a voice and understanding. They don't exist merely to torture us."

One of my fellow group members and I both were thinking the same thing, but she said it first: Some people project these needs onto a parental "God" and delay the development of self-nurturance. This is why I choose not to personify any supreme deity but, rather, to align myself with the notion of a general mysterious life force (the Chinese call it qi) that animates living things and orders energies - both creative and destructive. It's the same type of energy each of us carries inside that heals us when we're sick, if only we give our bodies the chance to fully do its work by fasting. (A separate post on my adventures with this practice coming after this post.)

2007-12-14T01:53:00.000-08:00

My presentation of the Asperger and culture paper went well, I think. I insisted on going first. After class, one of my classmates made a point of telling me she found my report very interesting.

It was a potluck class, since everyone brought foods originating from the culture of the person whom they interviewed for an assignment. (I brought Russian ginger bread and chocolates to represent Irina's Ukrainian origin.) This one girl who mentioned to me that she was vegan before class walked over to the food table and wondered aloud what was in the hummus. So I said "lard." I think she ignored me or just didn't pay any attention. Then, she asked someone nearby, "Does it have butter or anything like that in it?"

So I felt the need to say: "No....just lard." She wasn't amused, but I sure as hell was! This is what happens when I get PMS: I become mildly sadistic. (First of all, butter is never put in hummus. I won't even go into the idiocy of veganism.)

Somebody presented on pedophiles, and this one Catholic girl in class commented that perhaps pedophiles develop when they - as children - are exposed to sexual influences early, such as R-rated movies. I decided that would be a good time to up and leave for the restroom...before I started sighing loudly or worse - insulting her openly and aggressively. Aargh!

2007-12-12T18:10:00.000-08:00

The Eight Asperger Advantages (from coachingasperger.com)

There are aspects of Asperger Syndrome that you can use to your great advantage.

1. Focus

Your ability to focus on one objective over long periods of time without becoming distracted allows you to accomplish large and challenging tasks.

2. Unique Global Insights

Your ability to find novel connections among multi-disciplinary facts and ideas allows you to create new, coherent, and meaningful insight that others would not have reached without you.

3. Independent Thinking

Your willingness to consider unpopular or unusual possibilities generates new options and opportunities and can pave the way for others.

4. Internal Motivation

Rather than being swayed by social convention, other's opinions, social pressure or fears, you can hold firm to your own purpose. Your unique ideas can thrive, despite naysayers.

5. Attention To Detail

Your ability to remember and process minute details without getting lost or overwhelmed gives you a distinct advantage when solving complex problems.

6. 3-Dimensional Thinking

Your ability to utilize 3-dimensional visioning gives you a unique perspective when designing and creating solutions.

7. Cutting Through The Smoke Screen

Your ability to recognize and speak the truth that is being "conveniently" ignored by others can be vital to the success of a project or endeavor.

8. Logical Decision Making

Your ability to make logical and rational decisions and stick to your course of action without being swayed by impulse or emotional reactions allows you to navigate successfully through difficult situations without being pulled off-course.

These traits can be used to develop invaluable leadership and entrepreneurial skills.

I used this list as a handout for my paper presentation. It complements the DSM diagnostic criteria quite well and, to reflect how Asperger is a two-sided coin (and save myself paper), I printed these on the same sheet as a double-sided handout.

2007-12-11T21:45:00.000-08:00

I confessed to my supervisor that I didn't initially think we were a good fit (since I'm so cognitive and content-focused) but that I've since revised my view. I now think she may offer a good counterbalancing influence that teaches me to pay more attention to people's emotional patterns toward me while in session.

For example, one of my clients pointed out the badge I always wear at work, saying it must suck that I have to wear it all the time. I just told him I didn't even notice it, and it didn't bother me. My supervisor said this statement may reflect something going on deeper inside him. I didn't want to read that far into it, but eh. Maybe he wants to know more about me but doesn't know what questions to ask. Or maybe he was trying to distract from himself. Who knows. I let it go, but I'm sure there are more major examples of interactions that are possibly telling.

My supervisor thanked me for my confession. I was thinking of keeping it to myself, but it's probably a better habit to open up.

2007-12-06T13:09:00.001-08:00

Based on my results from this quiz: http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

Interesting that the only traits I dip into the neurotypical side on are social and communication, which are normally major defining deficits for Asperger. That's probably why people can rarely tell when I'm in social situations. Of course, I've worked hard to learn specific social skills and to eliminate certain habits when around people over time.

2007-12-03T21:30:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend sent me the link to this article about sensory integration dysfunction possibly being considered its own disorder one day, filed under the name sensory processing disorder (SPD):

The Next Attention Deficit Disorder?

This could apply to those who don't fully qualify as Asperger but have the same sensory troubles.

2007-11-30T00:51:00.001-08:00

I think my individual supervisor (as opposed to my group supervisor, both of whom I meet with each week) and I have philosophical differences. She comes from the school of exploring and identifying feelings in order to emphathize and noting where they lie in the body. Feelings, feelings, feelings. In contrast, my approach is about teaching new skills, reaching new perspectives to make better goals, problem solving, and seeing things more rationally rather than in upsetting irrational ways. I'm up in the head and she's down in the body. Fortunately, she's flexible enough to say I don't have to do things her way and that other ways are also valid. And she uses a maneuver I'm not so sure about: When she feels a first-time client won't mesh with her therapeutic style, she purposely and manipulatively acts cold so that they don't come back. I don't think I agree with that way of doing things, being a champion of openness and straightforwardness, but I see her rationale that at least they're making their own choice not to come back instead of her telling them to beat it. Still, I'd rather say, "I think you'd benefit more from X type of therapy rather than mine, and here's a referral. I just want what's most helpful to you, considering your specific case. Otherwise, I'd love to work with you."

I've had more than one client tell me I'm good and that they feel connected to me, so that's encouraging. I'm not that disconnected from humanity, and I can combine mind and heart. But the connecting with heart happens via the process of using the mind for me. To be honest, I wish I didn't have to do individual supervision at all. I hate having to talk about other people for 45 minutes nonstop, so I prefer group supervision where I can listen to others and then take my turn when I feel like it. Oh well, another 9 months of this. I'll try to use it to my benefit as is possible. At least I don't have to pay for my training and supervision like some of my classmates do at their sites.

I'm supposed to be seeing 8 individual clients or 7 individuals and a group, but I'm not doing that. Honestly, I'm not sure I can handle that much "people time" each week, along with class. I haven't been given a hard time about it, and I hope they don't bother me over it. I just need a lot of space, and that goes for mental space too. I'm not lazy, but I get fried from human interaction very easily. I do intend on increasing my load to 5 or 6, though, and may start an Asperger support group. Not sure what the demand is in these parts, but I'll research and possibly just try and see.

2007-11-30T00:22:00.000-08:00

My paper:
The Cultural Struggles of Those Living with High Functioning Autism and Asperger Syndrome

I may proofread it again soon.

2007-11-30T00:15:00.001-08:00

Written 16 years ago, but still so true today.

2007-10-22T19:01:00.001-07:00

"Loneliness comes not from lack of a partner but from lack of a sense of connection to a community."
-my group supervisor Robert Harrison

"If you're going through hell, keep going."
-Winston Churchill

I'll be using these...

2007-10-17T13:30:00.000-07:00

It's time for an update. I apologize that this is becoming a supplements blog, so I'll just say that things are going well in my counseling internship, which started a month ago (I have 2 individual therapy clients so far and am building my caseload). I'm taking a class called crosscultural counseling, but I'm really losing interest in school. I'll only have 2 courses left after this term before getting my master's (aside from the required work hours). I'm also doing well in my relationship and working through every little thing that comes up as soon as I can so that things stay just right. To do this, I'm turning heavily to systems theory and the principles of differentiation to create a balanced relationship, which I also teach my clients. That said, we're having a lot of fun every weekend together and will be going to Universal Studios' Fright Nights event for Halloween.

Now, on to the supplements. Sadly, I had to give up Coq-10 due to massive migraines. My system can't withstand the additional energy with the way my chemistry is at the moment. At least my parents and two friends are now taking it every day, thanks to my influence.

Right now, I'm focusing on reducing copper levels with the trace mineral molybdenum. I've learned so much from Dr. Eck's site on the effects of minerals on the mind and body, including applications to autism. Copper is a brain stimulant, so that may account for the nervous system hypersensitivity. Actually, almost all of the symptoms of copper toxicity seem to fit my experience, especially the inordinate chocolate cravings and insomnia. Sure enough, this would make sense, considering that autists have dysfunctional metallothionein metabolism (it's a protein required for the detoxification of metals such as copper and mercury), although normal people can be "copperheads" too. I've been on molybdenum for about a week now and am feeling the symptoms of elimination he describes (spaciness from the dumping of copper into the blood from the tissues, which temporarily worsens copper symptoms) as well as some general improvement. (I smell like a penny right now. Heehee.) I hope this trend continues, since I will be ever so grateful to have discovered this mineral. I found it while randomly searching for something else; a site recommended it to reduce hyperactivity in ADHD children. As for mercury, I think this will take care of that problem as well. When copper levels are too high, zinc levels become depleted, and zinc keeps mercury levels in check. So, by extension, I'm guessing that lowering my copper levels will allow zinc to do its job. (Taking zinc pills makes me nauseous, but at least I'm using facial sunblock containing zinc oxide daily.)

I love this part on the vegetarianism page: "Having a baby who dislikes meat does not mean you have a very spiritual child. More likely, you have a child whose body chemistry has been impaired, perhaps from birth."

Take that, vegetarians!

2007-10-03T14:05:00.000-07:00

If you're taking sleeping pills and struggling with your weight, stop taking them. Antihistamine type sleeping pills like Unisom (doxylamine succinate and diphenylhydramine) are known to increase appetite and weight. This makes sense, since energy balance is disrupted in the hypothalamus. I'm pretty sure it's why I gained those 6 pounds over the past few months and haven't been able to lose them no matter what. I had been taking those pills nearly every night, thinking they would help me relax about my new internship schedule, but they do the opposite and worse. The withdrawal to any kind of calming substance is going to be opposite to the calming effect - agitation and hyperexcitability. I became dependent on doxylamine succinate because, on nights I tried going without, I'd become hyper in the middle of the night and reach for more, not realizing the perceived solution was actually the problem.

So, the previous attribution of my slight weight gain to the stress of being around more people was not accurate. Being around more people leads me to take sleeping pills. Now, I will only use decaffeinated green tea for relaxation once a week or so. It contains a small enough amount of theanine so as not to cause an opposite withdrawal like the pill form of theanine does.

And when I said before that I thought Coq-10 was helping me lose a little weight, that was only occurring on the few days after not using Unisom. The weight would bounce back up again when I took it again. Still, the Coq-10 still may have sped up this process when it had the chance to. I can tell that my body "wants" to lose it, but something had been stopping that from happening. It's dropping now and, hopefully, will continue.

I'm actually making several changes toward streamlining and simplifying what I put in and on my body. I've stopped using a microwave to warm both liquids and fluids because that too alters the body's energy balance, making the microwaved food less satisfying. I'd been primarily cooking with my microwave for several years and am switching to stovetop and oven only. Also, this site lists many negative changes to blood chemistry that result from microwave use. That's the brief version; Mercola goes more in depth here.

And I'm cutting out all cosmetics containing sulfates, such as sodium laureth sulfate and others. These chemicals mimic estrogen, which causes hormonal imbalances.

I realize all of this makes me sound like some sort of hippie, but I think it's unwise to err on the side of either type of thinking to the extreme. You shouldn't listen to every single alarmist claim just to ease your fears, but you also shouldn't disregard every warning because it merely sounds offbeat or does not fit into your currently ingrained lifestyle. I just follow the facts that I discover from reputable studies, or else I just experiment on myself within reason. Some patterns I experience may be predictive for other people, only I experience changes more quickly, but some may not apply at all. I'm an excellent guinea pig for humanity with my quick-changing chemistry and strong nervous system sensory abilities for picking up on those changes. But, then again, my particular biological makeup may differ in a few Asperger-specific ways (nothing too different, though).

2007-09-26T12:57:00.000-07:00

The CEO of http://mytherapy.net/ is giving a talk in my area on Friday but, unfortunately, I won't be able to make it because I have a meeting to attend. But I was glad to receive the e-mail announcement and discover this site. It seems like a good service to join later on when I'm licensed, although I wish there were studies comparing the clinical efficacy of online/phone therapy and traditional face-to-face therapy. The site lists many advantages to doing it from a distance, but are they substantiated? Browsing through the "Meet the Therapists" section feels a lot like going through dating service profiles but, fortunately, at least every individual here has the credentials to be competent at doing what they're doing. Too bad there's no such thing as dating credentials.

Ok, just kidding. Or am I?

Anyway, it should be obvious why online therapy would appeal to me. Less interaction with people means less stimulation from new sensory stimuli, which is distracting and tiring to my system, not to mention the added effort of making sure my tone of voice and inflections are right for each statement. Sometimes, they're naturally right but, sometimes, they would otherwise be monotone where they shouldn't be and become misunderstood. I have to concentrate on this art when communicating important information. No matter how good at it I am, it will always require more effort than your average person. I think my female friends require it more from me than male ones, which may explain my preference for male friends. Because of these issues, I've worried about being able to have a full work week. I've had a bad experience working full-time in a people-filled environment in the past; I was too exhausted and sick of dealing with people by the time weekend rolled around, which ruined the breaks from work that would otherwise be leisurely social. Perhaps I could offer both modes of therapy part-time to soften the blow and keep myself balanced.

2007-09-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

My latest experiment is trying CoQ-10.

I had never given this supplement much thought until now, since I had passed it off as just another antioxidant among the many out there. But there's so much more to it. It's the goddamn fountain of youth! Even for weight and appearance purposes. This reminds me of the potion in that movie Death Becomes Her with Goldie Hawn, Bruce Willis, and Meryl Streep. (If you've seen it, now imagine Isabella Roselli handing you a bottle of CoQ-10...) Here's what I've gathered from my web searching:

-It's a cofactor in energy production by the cells' mitochondria in every single cell in your body. That's why it's also called ubiquinone; it's ubiquitous. Therefore, it can provide energy, relieve some forms of depression or generally improve mood and enthusiasm, and lead to the burning of additional body fat and calories as energy. It helps turn food into energy instead of letting those calories get stored as fat. Weight loss studies have confirmed a significant effect. Some say you can lose weight on it without dieting, but exercise always speeds the process along because the muscles' mitochondria burn off more calories with activity. Obese individuals have been found to be 50% deficient in CoQ-10 and lose weight when taking it. (Of course, I'm placing emphasis on this effect first, vain as I am.)
-Levels begin to drop off at age 20 and, by age 40, you notice such changes as creeping weight gain, a less productive work day, and less vigorous or frequent sex. The liver is no longer producing as much as it used to.
-Stress depletes it.
-It can heal diabetes and reduce the need for medications because it makes cells respond more efficiently to insulin. Obviously, sugars are more effectively used as energy in this case. Lowered Type II diabetics' blood sugar by 30% at 200 mg.
-It fights cancer.
-It regenerates skin cells and fights, possibly reverses, wrinkles.
-It lengthens longevity by 56% in rodents. (And they looked pretty good even when they died.)
-Lymph drainage occurs twice as quickly, and immune antibodies increase by 247%. Of course, colds are less frequent while taking this and may clear up more quickly if you start taking it while with a cold. It's also good for AIDS patients.
-Helps reduce the stress on the body and brain caused by MSG. (This also affects body weight.)
-Recommended for autism to enhance neuronal function.
-Reverses gum disease and gingivitis. Lessens pain from tooth decay.
-Heals and protects the heart. Enables heart cells to maximize use of oxygen. Heart attack sufferers are almost always CoQ-10 deficient. May prevent heart attack and stroke and promote recovery from these.
-Significantly lowers blood pressure.
-Replaces the Coq-10 stores drained by the use of statins like Lipitor (cholesterol meds).

This stuff could put some types of doctors out of business. (I wish. Well, it's a nice thought, at least.) Let me know if you want any of the web sites I used.

I initially tried 30 mg every other day, but even that may be too high for my sensitive nervous system. (It doesn't hurt my ability to sleep like caffeine does, though.) Fortunately, any overstimulation dies down pretty quickly so that I can start over again with a lower dose in a day or two. As it dies down, I feel euphoric. I'm going to try taking 10 mg every other day now. My weight has started to drop by a pound and a half after being on it for about 5 days. I'm not sure if this is significant yet or just a coincidence, but we'll see. I'm optimistic because my weight had been stuck for a couple months after having gained probably from school/people-related stress. If I'm around too many people for too many hours per week (and possibly fluorescent lights), that tends to happen.

2007-09-17T13:25:00.000-07:00

I've been able to find supplemental solutions to just about anything lately. I'm getting better at this.

I get extremely paranoid in bed at night sometimes, especially when my dopamine is already up from hanging out with a person I'm fond of for several days in a row (i.e.: boyfriend on the weekend). Consistent with theories on schizophrenia, high dopamine leads to hallucinations. Well, I'm not schizophrenic, nor do I hallucinate, but my imagination runs wild when I'm all alone in the dark and dopamine is way up. I imagine robbers, kidnappers, rapists, monsters, dragons, demons, spirits, random shapes, etc. in my hallway and entering my room to get in my face and harm me.

Last night, I became fed up with this after 10 minutes of repeatedly lifting my head from my pillow to make sure no one was there. Despite being tired, I went downstairs to do a web search on basic substances that could lower dopamine. I already ruled out the ones I knew of (didn't feel like taking the sleeping pill unisom, and lithium orotate or sea salt containing lithium makes me eat too much). What I found out in 2 minutes was that beta endorphin inhibits the production of dopamine.

I remembered that I owned D-phenylalanine, which raises endorphin levels by blocking an enzyme that breaks it down (unlike the more widely available L-phenylalanine). Wow, I couldn't believe I finally found a use for this stuff, which I had bought on the off chance that it could provide some benefit. I took one pill and gradually felt relief over the next 20 minutes. Looking up from my pillow to check for presences went down in frequency to only twice in ten minutes until I went to sleep at last.

I wonder if this solution only works for me, being sensitive to small changes in my chemistry, or if people with schizophrenia could also benefit so that they wouldn't need to take antipsychotics. I know that Asperger has been associated with high dopamine levels and that some Asperger adults receive a dual diagnosis of schizophrenia if all criteria are met.

2007-09-06T16:08:00.000-07:00

I recently finished a book called Loving Mr. Spock about a woman's experience dating a man with Asperger's Syndrome. The following excerpts from the book apply to me,and I had no idea these were characteristic of the syndrome. I used to assume either that everybody was like this or that it was specific to only my personality, depending on the feature.

“Life to an Asperger is a series of strategic decisions at every moment of every day. Danny always had to think what to do next. He would have to run through investigative internal dialogue before he could face a decision, meeting, before he could read or answer a letter, instead of just knowing, instinctively, as the rest of us do. It was like having to turn back to the beginning of the reference book in his head and work through it, instead of being able to home in on a well-thumbed page, or read the index.” Pg.13

“I didn’t know then about his ability to mimic happiness when he was feeling desolate. He, like most Aspergers, was a social actor, modeling and scripting, rather than being able to vent naturally. He just assumed a posture in social situations. He had been more unhappy than I’d realized, felt more threatened and anxious, but had adopted a role of being cheerful.” Pg. 17

“Sometimes, he’d telephone on his travels between England and Turkey, to boast about some new rules he’d made for himself. Aspergers can boast in that open natural way that children do, proud of their achievements, giving themselves a pat on the back.” Pg. 31

“Another helpful theory is the CC (Central Coherence) theory. Central coherence is the way we non-Aspergers put information together to form meaning. We can take what we need from the information around us and choose what’s important and what isn’t. We can edit, and generally process, getting out of our life the things that make most sense, and putting everything else on the back burner. Aspergers have weak central coherence. All the bits of things that are happening all the time come at them in the same form, at the same speed, and the same level of importance….how on earth do they manage to take it all in? They don’t. They cut it all out, finally. They blow a fuse. They have to , as all of us would if we couldn’t get that birdsong out of the television sound and the sales pitch.” Pg 70

“As someone with AS, I’ve spent my life learning how to ‘read’ people using conscious thought, based on my past experience of how people seem to respond, and on extensive reading. After twenty-seven years of this I have become skilled at reading people. Unlike NT [neurotypical] folks, this is a conscious effort and requires considerable energy, but It works and I can often see things NT people would never see in negotiations. The only downside of this is that negotiations are absolutely exhausting for me. I think I do a good job of appearing ‘normal’ on the surface, but I am actually burning through incredible amounts of CPU cycles trying to read other people….I have to sleep nine to ten hours a night, and I often nap in the afternoons to make up for energy used.” P. 84, letter from a female Asperger

“Aspergers are all different. They have a range of personalities, a range of talents and abilities, they are not peas in a pod.” Pg. 88

“Most conversational approaches that younger Aspergers make start with a ‘Did you know that…?’ This prioritizing of knowledge above all else is what made Hans Asperger call them ‘little professors.’” Pg. 117

“It wasn’t system overload. This was system shutdown. It was the message on your computer screen which says, ‘Please wait while your computer closes down.’ Can you imagine watching that message for hours? I talked to him. He responded vaguely, just about recognizing that he was not alone. I knew this was happiness, but I had never seen happiness like it. This must be like a car engine feels when petrol is being fed into its tank.” Pg. 156

“It was the gay club we’d been to before, one at which Danny felt very much at home. He had an affinity with transgression, loved the feeling that he was in the company of those who might be marginalized by the majority, just as he was.” Pg. 159

“He’s sleep the next day until afternoon, as I became more and more angry with his withdrawal and inertia. Inertia, although I didn’t know it then, is a major problem for Aspergers. There’s even a name for it: ‘Autistic inertia.’” Pg. 173

“There was in him an element of Oppositional Defiance Disorder, a behavior sometimes given as a co-diagnosis to children with Asperger’s. This shows itself as a refusal to comply with an instruction, and isn’t given as a diagnosis in adult Aspergers, although a few do have traits of it…A woman who wrote to me about her Asperger father-in-law, said, “When he comes to visit, if I say to him, “Would you like to take your coat off?” he refuses to and will sit, sweltering in it all the time he’s in the house. But if I don’t say it, he’ll take it off when he’s ready to. I’ve had to learn not to ask.’ Pg. 222

“12 percent of diagnosed HFA [High Functioning Autism]/Aspergers are currently in full-time employment. 6 percent of diagnosed Asperger Syndrome adults are in part-time employment.” Pg. 251

“I explained about ACs, Autistic Cousins, those with some Asperger traits, but insufficient perhaps to put them on the spectrum.” Pg 286

“A strong correlation exists between satisfaction at school and diagnosis…where diagnosis took place after the age of twenty, satisfaction levels were only at 21 percent at primary level and 13 percent at secondary level.” Pg. 298

“What grieves most partners, though, is the way that Aspergers need and even demand their own space…this space is essential for recuperation, de-stressing, and attention-shifting.” Pg 321

“Doris, as I did, discovered that separation can actually work as a positive force for good, and that if deprived of their caregiver, some Aspergers will happily develop their own executive functioning, and do it well.” Pg. 327

“Aspergers don’t usually initiate the idea of divorce, and are often very loyal to the point of being rather clinging, as Danny was. They don’t, as we know, welcome change.” Pg. 328

“I’ve told you about the Cassandra Phenomenon, the refusal of friends and family to believe the partner’s suspicion that his or her other half my have Asperger’s Syndrome.” Pg. 328

“Asperger’s Syndrome has been described as ‘extreme male behavior’ and ‘as far as you can go on the macho scale,’ but that’s just another way of expressing the egocentricity that is present in all Aspergers – men and women. It’s facile pop psychology. It does no one any favors to stereotype the genders in this way.” Pg. 284

2007-09-05T19:59:00.000-07:00

My speech centers are fried from talking too much in the past few days. I've been trying to avoid speaking as much as possible today. This is when I say "I'm nonverbal right now," which is becoming a regular phrase of mine to express that it's nothing personal. It just takes a day of silence, and then I'm back in the game. Intrestingly, singing has no such effect because the words are rotely memorized and recited rather than stemming from internal processing that turns my thoughts into vocalizations. It's this interconnection that's tiring for me.

I'm glad my internship only involves a 15-hour/week commitment for the entire year. Talking to people all the time wears me out. Yes, I know, this is a talking profession I've chosen. Unfortunately, my talents and training lie in a field that must involve verbal communication. I'm not so sure how helpful or lucrative online therapy sessions are...

I'm forcing myself to go to sleep earlier each night in preparation for my early saturday trainings. Taking probiotics (healthy bacteria for the gut) has somehow made this easier for me. I'm less hyper at night. When I say hyper, I only mean internally, since my demeanor is calm regardless.

2007-09-05T16:23:00.000-07:00

Found out my maternal genetics belong to haplogroup H, which is the latest human mutation. (How "fashionable" that somehow sounds.) It's originally a Eurasian group, and 40% of Europeans belong to it. From my results:

Laura differs from the Cambridge Reference Sequence (CRS) at the following sequence locations in HVR-1 (16001 - 16569):

Location	Mutation Type	Nucleotide	Quality Value
16192	Substitution	C > t	43
16311	Substitution	T > c	42

I'm trying to get my dad to get both the maternal and paternal sides of his own genetics tested out of curiosity. Deep ancestry is interesting intellectually; it's purely mental masturbation for me. He doesn't care to know about it, though, since he's content with knowing he's Scottish and British. There's a testing kit sitting in the house, and my mom will help him do the cheek swabbing. Wish my maternal grandfather were still alive so that I could get 4 out of 4 backgrounds instead of 3. His Dutch cousin could do it, but we aren't close.

2007-08-29T00:41:00.000-07:00

"Sarcasm is the body's natural defense against stupid."
-my boyfriend's shirt

"For success in science or art, a dash of autism is essential."
-Hans Asperger, 1944

2007-08-21T20:37:00.000-07:00

Here's a passage written by a couples therapist named Dr. Schnarch who focuses on combining relationship counseling with sex therapy using systems theory concepts. This approach has proven successful due its high efficacy. In his book Passionate Marriage, he describes 6 different styles of relating for couples. Before getting to these, you should know what the term differentiation means in this context:

"In one of his definitions of differentiation, Schnarch says that it 'involves balancing two basic life forces: the drive for individuality and the drive for togetherness. Individuality propels us to follow our own directives, to be on our own, to create a unique identity. Togetherness pushes us to follow the directives of others, to be part of the group. When these two life forces for individuality and togetherness are expressed in balanced, healthy ways, the result is a meaningful relationship that doesn't deterioriate into emotional fusion.' (Schnarch, 1998, p. 55) Clearly this is Bowenian. As Nichols and Schartz state, 'Bowenian theory ... has always centered around two counterbalancing life forces: togetherness and individuality.' (Nichols, M. P. and Schwartz, R. C., 2001, p. 140)
Schnarch also defines differentiation as standing up for what you believe in or for what you want. It is integrity. He says it is fundamentally relational. It is not individuation, which is based on separating and getting apart. (Schnarch, 1994A)
Another definition of differentiation is the ability to maintain a clear sense of self in close proximity to a partner. The higher your level of differentiation, the closer you can get to your partner, because you're not afraid of losing yourself. It gives you a solid but permeable self, which allows you to make a decision to be influenced and to change (as opposed to having to change to stay on good terms with your partner). At high levels of differentiation, what your partner wants in his/her life becomes as important to you as what you want. (Bader, 1995)"

Now, on to the book passage about couples' 6 different ways of relating:

"The way you actually use partner engagement reveals a great deal about you. There are different depths and ways of focusing on your partner. Each reflects how you relate in general. The tone of your connections may vary from event to event, but the overall character tends to be stable; it is determined more by your personal development thatn by how you feel about your partner at any given moment.

Let's consider sex levels of partner engagement reflecting different levels of differentiation. Let me warn you that the initial examples may seem somewhat extreme, distasteful, or hard to identify with. They are examples of primitive sexual partner engagement and reflect the unfortunate realities of contemporary society. By understanding the many faces of partner engagement, we can more fully comprehend human sexuality and develop more respect for when it is beautiful and uplifting.

1) Sexual predators focus somewhat on their ‘partner’s’ reactions but for purely sadistic reasons. These are the most poorly differentiated people – their ‘partners’ are merely puppets who must give the desired response. For example, I once treated a man who was a sexual sadist. His children ‘took turns’ going with him to their vacation home, where he tied them spread-legged to a chair. He would draw a pen knife lightly around their genitals in a ritualistic ‘punishment’ for some concocted misdeed. He was driven by overriding hostility and desire to revenge past events in his own life. He was redressing in fantasy – and replicating in reality – his experiences with his own mother. He enjoyed seeing pain and terror in his children’s eyes. It enhanced his pathetic sense of power. His ‘sexual partners’ were like props – his wife was no more a real person to him than he was to her. In his fantasies, he presided over an underground citadel of faceless slaves who followed his every whim. This man’s profound lack of differentiation surfaced in his indifference to his children’s pain and his reflected sense of ‘power.’
2) The next step in development is a style of partner engagement that involves opportunistic encounters between consenting adults. I don’t necessarily mean ‘one-night stands’ where people ‘fall in love’ for the night. One woman I treated was more a scavenger than a predator. She had sex with people she had no shred of interest in – or they in her. For her, the connection was purely one of shared sensory experience, using her partner’s genitals for stimulation because she didn’t like to masturbate. In her best relationships, the bond was a shared craving for contact-comfort with another human being. This was as much emotional connection and investment in another human being as her differentiation allowed. Although you might imagine people like her are single, I’ve worked with many who are married (and having affairs).
I’m not saying opportunistic sexual encounters always involve this degree of exploitation. Casual sex, at conferences or on a college campus for example, can be based on shared pleasure or companionship. It can involve even more partner engagement, such as friendship between ‘fuck buddies.’ Sometimes, fondness for a familiar sex partner is all that connects spouses – whether married or divorced. These varying degrees of selectivity, intimacy, and caring reflect higher differentiation than the woman I just described. (Just realize that exploitive sexual relationships can masquerade as a casual friendship – whether between college students, work colleagues, or spouses.)
3) For some people, sex partners provide narcissistic self-reflection – ego strokes, a body on which to demonstrate sexual prowess and attractiveness. At this level of differentiation, people have some emotional investment in the relationship – although it’s primarily to get a reflected sense of self. Their sexual fantasies are like private pornography, often involving unflattering power motifs with their partner. In worse case scenarios, partners are ‘plaything’ and ‘boy toys,’ to use modern parlance: this partner engagement involves borrowed functioning in which the ‘plaything’ provides an emotional transfusion of pseudo self – until he or she feels drained and develops low sexual desire. (Opportunistic sex – for example, between friends and former lovers – sometimes reflects a higher level of differentiation.) This kind of partner engagement often underlies short-lived ‘movie star’ marriages, but some are fairly long-term when the ‘drainage’ isn’t so high. These frequently (but not always) involve ‘trophy wives’ or ‘May-December’ marriages between rich older men and financially dependent younger women.
4) At the fourth level of partner engagement, the sex partner is recognized as a real person, not just walking, talking genitals. In contrast to the prior category (investment in the relationship), the greater differentiation involved here surfaces in investment in the other person. However, there’s not enough differentiation for the partner to be fully recognized as a separate individual. This is the partner engagement of dependency on other-validated intimacy. There’s awareness that the other has feelings and needs of his/her own. Satisfying some of them and not inflicting pain (beyond normal marital sadism) becomes important, in part, because it contributes to one’s reflected sense of self. The sex partner is one’s mirror – making sexual trance attractive as a time-out from monitoring one’s reflection (meaning sex with eyes closed).

The preceding four examples describe emotionally fused forms of partner engagement. The other person is a non-person – an extension of one’s own needs. Moving from the first to the fourth level, people demonstrate greater differentiation, culminating in the partner emerging as a real person – although not a truly separate one. Psychologically, at the fourth level there are finally two people – or, more accurately, one and a half. There is still a tendency for partners to function like emotional Siamese twins. Until the partner is more than just an extension of one’s ego, there isn’t a genuine basis for caring about him or her.

5) The level of partner engagement we now address probably came to mind when I first mentioned partner engagement. It involves unique connection. At this level of differentiation, the partner stops being one’s mirror, a reflection on oneself, or an extension of oneself. He or she emerges as a bona fide separate person, and occupies an unrivaled place in one’s life. His/her happiness and satisfaction become as important as one’s own. Compassion, consideration, mutuality, and integrity steer the interactions, made possible by one’s ability to calm one’s anxiety and self-soothe one’s conflicts and hurts. Partners realize and appreciate each other’s deepest core personality and potentials – pushing themselves to disclose their most private and personal truths. It isn’t easy or comfortable, yet nothing is deliberately held back. Looking into each other during sex is commonplace. Acceptance is based on true knowledge of each other; it’s not a mutual validation pact predicated on fantasies and projections. Partners share a profound and irreplaceable love.
6) The ultimate stage of partner engagement reflects a level of differentiation few people reach. Here, partners come to grips with the barriers of existential separateness and experience oneness with each other and humanity. Their sexual encounters heighten [both] self-awareness and interconnection. Normal boundaries between self and other dissolve. Partners see themselves in each other (and vice-versa) during eyes-open sex, but this doesn’t stem from emotional fusion or reflected sense of self. It comes from appreciating the essence in each of us that connects all of us (and encourages social and environmental consciousness). Sex becomes a form of spiritual communion celebrating the mysteries of life.

These six categories of partner engagement illustrate once again how differentiation facilitates the highest forms of emotional union. But the last two uplifting forms are hard to achieve, periodic at best, and their absence can be painful. The more primitive and exploitative forms of emotional fusion are commonplace in daily life.

Differentiation plays another role in partner engagement: as you strive for deeper partner engagement, the range of potential sex partners narrows. If all you want is minimal engagement, almost any partner will do. Casual engagement – recreational sex – simply requires an available, socially appropriate partner. But from this point on, increased engagement narrows your field of choices. Personal characteristics of the partner and the nature of the relationship become important. Fewer people meet your selection criteria. If you want profound partner engagement – particularly with any regularity – it usually involves a single partner with unique status in your life. It also involves a partner who can engage you on that level."

Then, there's a whole section about role-playing, which requires a high level of differentiation because you need to be comfortable with yourself to try on another role.

2007-08-06T17:50:00.000-07:00

I watched Michael Moore's movie Sicko online last night. I thought I'd give it a chance and see what he had to say before ripping him apart based on others' reviews. I had heard before that he used misleading techiques to support his views, but I wanted to be able to justify my objections based on my own impressions. I truly approached this with an open mind to be fair.

But the criticisms held up in the end. I appreciated what he was trying to do - expose a truly flawed and devastating medical system to inspire change - but I didn't like how he went about getting answers and what he was suggesting in the process. The first thought I had at the end was "That was unintellectual." He just gave us a snapshot of the superficialities of the situation without any rigorous analyses. I understand he was trying to appeal to the general public, who probably wouldn't be interested in the nuts and bolts of things. But the sad thing is that these people who similarly lack analytical capacities are going to buy into his thinly cloaked plea for universal healthcare without realizing there's an even better alternative.

Liberals often forget that there was once a time in the U.S. when the medical system was tops, and it wasn't a universal health care system. As Ron Paul and others point out, it was the creation of HMO's that enabled the government to become more closely tied with business. Managed care was a bad idea from the start and continues to be problematic. So, of course, universal health care will look better in comparison, but it's still not the best choice. It just more of the same government overinvolvement, which we need less of, not more. I don't think it's fair to require everyone else to pay for my medical problems. There's a way to bring medical costs way down, and that is getting rid of the HMO system and removing government's vested interest by turning to a purer free market system - something we definitely don't have right now, even though people mistakenly think we do and that it's the source of our troubles. Legalizing more immigrants so that they're eligible for non-emergency room care would also help. That kind of free care is what's driving costs up for the rest of us.

Moore takes us on a rosy journey to Canada, France, and Cuba, showing non-natives (Americans) happily using their free services. (Free for them anyway. They don't have to pay the taxes.) But this hardly shows the whole picture. Just read this article and see what I mean. The majority of Canadians are dissatisfied with their system.

There are plenty of options out there for making sure the seriously suffering get the help they need. Ron Paul has a few ideas written here. (Since I'm on a Ron Paul kick at the moment, but I'm sure there are plenty others with good ideas to tweak the free market system.)

Oh, and that part about Moore sending $12,000 to a guy who ran a site specifially aimed at trashing him so that he could pay for his wife's medical care and keep the site up at the same time? Cheap, cheap, cheap. Look at me, look at what a good person I am, I believe in free speech and the best of American ideals too...

God.

He asked people in those other countries the very kinds of questions that an extreme conservative would ask just to be devil's advocate while doing it in a way that supported his views. But he's just as guilty of his own brand of extremism with little regard for evidence. It's all so transparent to me.

And, lastly, that part about Hilary Clinton being "sexy, sassy, smart" and a woman the men in power couldn't handle? That was absurdly hilarious. Poor guy wants to do the dog.