Sunday, June 07, 2009
From my reading:
Making others change
A common method people use to force someone to change their way - or make a shift – is to
imply that they are bad or wrong. “This isn’t right, why can’t you do it this way?” Often this is done
in a subtle way. Simply questioning their choice in a particular tone of voice can be enough to
make someone question their judgement and defer to our judgement. As coaches we believe that
the client is the expert in his or her life. We want them to exercise their judgement, not rely on
ours.
Another way people try to bring about change is to revert to coercion; pressuring or even
threatening others to get something done. Some people believe that coercing others is a sign of
strength or even confidence. Nothing could be further from the truth. If we are secure and
confident in our own lives, we are able to allow others to make their own choices. Our self worth
is not caught up in making others do what we want, even if we think it is in their best interests.
Yet another way people try to make someone change is the “guilt trip”: making someone feel
guilty for not acting in a particular way. “If you don’t do it this way something bad will happen and
it will be your fault.” This is perhaps the most damaging of all because it sacrifices a person’s allimportant
sense of self for little gain. The person may be motivated by guilt to achieve a small
goal, but the damage to their confidence or self esteem will prevent them from coping with the
substantial or important challenges in their life.
These techniques all work occasionally to bring about change in others but only in the short term.
None of them assist people to make meaningful or long-term changes in their lives. Generally
they will lead to enough superficial change to get the other person off their back before they
default back to their previous behaviour. All of them disempower and deskill the other person in
managing their own lives, the very opposite of what we want the coaching relationship to
achieve!!
Copyright 2002 International Coach Academy Pty. Ltd. 1
Use is governed by the Terms and Conditions at http://www.icoachacademy.com
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Making others change
A common method people use to force someone to change their way - or make a shift – is to
imply that they are bad or wrong. “This isn’t right, why can’t you do it this way?” Often this is done
in a subtle way. Simply questioning their choice in a particular tone of voice can be enough to
make someone question their judgement and defer to our judgement. As coaches we believe that
the client is the expert in his or her life. We want them to exercise their judgement, not rely on
ours.
Another way people try to bring about change is to revert to coercion; pressuring or even
threatening others to get something done. Some people believe that coercing others is a sign of
strength or even confidence. Nothing could be further from the truth. If we are secure and
confident in our own lives, we are able to allow others to make their own choices. Our self worth
is not caught up in making others do what we want, even if we think it is in their best interests.
Yet another way people try to make someone change is the “guilt trip”: making someone feel
guilty for not acting in a particular way. “If you don’t do it this way something bad will happen and
it will be your fault.” This is perhaps the most damaging of all because it sacrifices a person’s allimportant
sense of self for little gain. The person may be motivated by guilt to achieve a small
goal, but the damage to their confidence or self esteem will prevent them from coping with the
substantial or important challenges in their life.
These techniques all work occasionally to bring about change in others but only in the short term.
None of them assist people to make meaningful or long-term changes in their lives. Generally
they will lead to enough superficial change to get the other person off their back before they
default back to their previous behaviour. All of them disempower and deskill the other person in
managing their own lives, the very opposite of what we want the coaching relationship to
achieve!!
Copyright 2002 International Coach Academy Pty. Ltd. 1
Use is governed by the Terms and Conditions at http://www.icoachacademy.com
Monday, June 01, 2009
I've decided I don't like being a therapist and am switching careers. The reasons are mainly these two:
1) All the concentrated social interaction tires me too much to do this sustainably and have enough weekly clients to make a decent living. (Even having just 5 drains me more than it should for any normal person.) It's not the emotions that drain me but the sensory overstimulation, mental multitasking, and endurance of listening to one person for that long without having any sensory respite or specifically interesting mental stimulation to replace the sensory activity.
2) I find listening to emotional problems boring because this isn't directly a goal-oriented activity with structure. (That is, assuming one's style is spontaneous and ready to follow the client's needs. And I do think this is beneficial because they know instinctively what they need to heal. Your agenda is less helpful and even disempowering.) That's the only way I'd be mentally engaged and interested in the process. It's not necessarily because the content of what they're saying bores me (although it often does because I've never been into biographies). It's the need for me to pull everything into the feelings world when I'm much more comfortable and entertained in the thinking world. Sure, there's cognitive-behavioral therapy as an option for one's therapy orientation (my original favorite, aside from Bowen's systems theory), but that doesn't heal people too well by fostering a relationship without shaming them. Changing thinking style is something people can learn to do on their own without a relationship with another human being (like I did). Most people who come to therapy fundamentally want to be re-parented because they didn't get all their basic emotional needs met as kids (generalization, despite exceptions). I'm not interested in parenting kids or adults, even though I do value the process so it can finally be done and lead to moving on. It's just not where my mind naturally goes while around people with whom I don't have any personal relationship, and I feel like I have to fake it in order to give them what they need.
So I'm embarking on a career in relationship coaching and executive coaching. All coaching is about helping people reach their goals by holding them accountable, and it's much more at the thinking level. Plus, it's typically done over the phone, which removes the sensory problem, and can be even more lucrative than therapy practice. I'm in a training program that's accredited by the International Coach Federation - the central certifying body for coaches that lends credibility in a field that isn't yet government regulated. This will take me 6-9 months, and I also have to accumulate hours and get 2 letters of recommendation to apply for my credential. Thankfully, there's no time limit to these tasks, and the hours aren't as numerous as those for becoming a licensed therapist.
I'm also planning on doing a Ph.D in Professional Coaching & Human Development with a specialization in Global Executive Coaching at the International University of Professional Studies after this current training program. I was originally going to do my Psy.D, which is a clinical practice doctor of psychology degree, but the content would now be irrelevant to my career direction. Since all the doors are opening for this new(ish) career, I can have my pick of degree type without worrying about licensing requirements. Of course I want to do the degree that will best inform me to help my clients in specific ways. I'm thinking of specializing in conflict management and interpersonal skills in the workplace. The reason I chose relationships and executives as my focus is they both require a systems orientation. I prefer tracking patterns over helping individuals in deep ways (identity, self-esteem, purpose, emotion management, etc.).
This is very exciting! I feel so much relief and passion and can't stop studying the subjects every single day without breaks (for now, as that'll calm down). I read that the best way to find out if you'd like being a coach is to find out if you enjoy being coached. I've now had 3 coaching sessions of my own and, incidentally, I do enjoy it when the coach is good and gives me structure and throught-provoking questions. My training program requires peer coaching for 12 sessions, so I'll be having more and also giving some.
That above way of finding out suitability is probably also applicable to becoming a therapist. I didn't really get into therapy personally and only needed very specific things from psychologists (like my AS diagnosis), then I was done. But I could easily get into a longer process of coaching.
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1) All the concentrated social interaction tires me too much to do this sustainably and have enough weekly clients to make a decent living. (Even having just 5 drains me more than it should for any normal person.) It's not the emotions that drain me but the sensory overstimulation, mental multitasking, and endurance of listening to one person for that long without having any sensory respite or specifically interesting mental stimulation to replace the sensory activity.
2) I find listening to emotional problems boring because this isn't directly a goal-oriented activity with structure. (That is, assuming one's style is spontaneous and ready to follow the client's needs. And I do think this is beneficial because they know instinctively what they need to heal. Your agenda is less helpful and even disempowering.) That's the only way I'd be mentally engaged and interested in the process. It's not necessarily because the content of what they're saying bores me (although it often does because I've never been into biographies). It's the need for me to pull everything into the feelings world when I'm much more comfortable and entertained in the thinking world. Sure, there's cognitive-behavioral therapy as an option for one's therapy orientation (my original favorite, aside from Bowen's systems theory), but that doesn't heal people too well by fostering a relationship without shaming them. Changing thinking style is something people can learn to do on their own without a relationship with another human being (like I did). Most people who come to therapy fundamentally want to be re-parented because they didn't get all their basic emotional needs met as kids (generalization, despite exceptions). I'm not interested in parenting kids or adults, even though I do value the process so it can finally be done and lead to moving on. It's just not where my mind naturally goes while around people with whom I don't have any personal relationship, and I feel like I have to fake it in order to give them what they need.
So I'm embarking on a career in relationship coaching and executive coaching. All coaching is about helping people reach their goals by holding them accountable, and it's much more at the thinking level. Plus, it's typically done over the phone, which removes the sensory problem, and can be even more lucrative than therapy practice. I'm in a training program that's accredited by the International Coach Federation - the central certifying body for coaches that lends credibility in a field that isn't yet government regulated. This will take me 6-9 months, and I also have to accumulate hours and get 2 letters of recommendation to apply for my credential. Thankfully, there's no time limit to these tasks, and the hours aren't as numerous as those for becoming a licensed therapist.
I'm also planning on doing a Ph.D in Professional Coaching & Human Development with a specialization in Global Executive Coaching at the International University of Professional Studies after this current training program. I was originally going to do my Psy.D, which is a clinical practice doctor of psychology degree, but the content would now be irrelevant to my career direction. Since all the doors are opening for this new(ish) career, I can have my pick of degree type without worrying about licensing requirements. Of course I want to do the degree that will best inform me to help my clients in specific ways. I'm thinking of specializing in conflict management and interpersonal skills in the workplace. The reason I chose relationships and executives as my focus is they both require a systems orientation. I prefer tracking patterns over helping individuals in deep ways (identity, self-esteem, purpose, emotion management, etc.).
This is very exciting! I feel so much relief and passion and can't stop studying the subjects every single day without breaks (for now, as that'll calm down). I read that the best way to find out if you'd like being a coach is to find out if you enjoy being coached. I've now had 3 coaching sessions of my own and, incidentally, I do enjoy it when the coach is good and gives me structure and throught-provoking questions. My training program requires peer coaching for 12 sessions, so I'll be having more and also giving some.
That above way of finding out suitability is probably also applicable to becoming a therapist. I didn't really get into therapy personally and only needed very specific things from psychologists (like my AS diagnosis), then I was done. But I could easily get into a longer process of coaching.
