athameblade

From my reading:

Making others change
A common method people use to force someone to change their way - or make a shift – is to
imply that they are bad or wrong. “This isn’t right, why can’t you do it this way?” Often this is done
in a subtle way. Simply questioning their choice in a particular tone of voice can be enough to
make someone question their judgement and defer to our judgement. As coaches we believe that
the client is the expert in his or her life. We want them to exercise their judgement, not rely on
ours.

Another way people try to bring about change is to revert to coercion; pressuring or even
threatening others to get something done. Some people believe that coercing others is a sign of
strength or even confidence. Nothing could be further from the truth. If we are secure and
confident in our own lives, we are able to allow others to make their own choices. Our self worth
is not caught up in making others do what we want, even if we think it is in their best interests.

Yet another way people try to make someone change is the “guilt trip”: making someone feel
guilty for not acting in a particular way. “If you don’t do it this way something bad will happen and
it will be your fault.” This is perhaps the most damaging of all because it sacrifices a person’s allimportant
sense of self for little gain. The person may be motivated by guilt to achieve a small
goal, but the damage to their confidence or self esteem will prevent them from coping with the
substantial or important challenges in their life.

These techniques all work occasionally to bring about change in others but only in the short term.
None of them assist people to make meaningful or long-term changes in their lives. Generally
they will lead to enough superficial change to get the other person off their back before they
default back to their previous behaviour. All of them disempower and deskill the other person in
managing their own lives, the very opposite of what we want the coaching relationship to
achieve!!

Copyright 2002 International Coach Academy Pty. Ltd. 1
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I've decided I don't like being a therapist and am switching careers. The reasons are mainly these two:

1) All the concentrated social interaction tires me too much to do this sustainably and have enough weekly clients to make a decent living. (Even having just 5 drains me more than it should for any normal person.) It's not the emotions that drain me but the sensory overstimulation, mental multitasking, and endurance of listening to one person for that long without having any sensory respite or specifically interesting mental stimulation to replace the sensory activity.

2) I find listening to emotional problems boring because this isn't directly a goal-oriented activity with structure. (That is, assuming one's style is spontaneous and ready to follow the client's needs. And I do think this is beneficial because they know instinctively what they need to heal. Your agenda is less helpful and even disempowering.) That's the only way I'd be mentally engaged and interested in the process. It's not necessarily because the content of what they're saying bores me (although it often does because I've never been into biographies). It's the need for me to pull everything into the feelings world when I'm much more comfortable and entertained in the thinking world. Sure, there's cognitive-behavioral therapy as an option for one's therapy orientation (my original favorite, aside from Bowen's systems theory), but that doesn't heal people too well by fostering a relationship without shaming them. Changing thinking style is something people can learn to do on their own without a relationship with another human being (like I did). Most people who come to therapy fundamentally want to be re-parented because they didn't get all their basic emotional needs met as kids (generalization, despite exceptions). I'm not interested in parenting kids or adults, even though I do value the process so it can finally be done and lead to moving on. It's just not where my mind naturally goes while around people with whom I don't have any personal relationship, and I feel like I have to fake it in order to give them what they need.

So I'm embarking on a career in relationship coaching and executive coaching. All coaching is about helping people reach their goals by holding them accountable, and it's much more at the thinking level. Plus, it's typically done over the phone, which removes the sensory problem, and can be even more lucrative than therapy practice. I'm in a training program that's accredited by the International Coach Federation - the central certifying body for coaches that lends credibility in a field that isn't yet government regulated. This will take me 6-9 months, and I also have to accumulate hours and get 2 letters of recommendation to apply for my credential. Thankfully, there's no time limit to these tasks, and the hours aren't as numerous as those for becoming a licensed therapist.

I'm also planning on doing a Ph.D in Professional Coaching & Human Development with a specialization in Global Executive Coaching at the International University of Professional Studies after this current training program. I was originally going to do my Psy.D, which is a clinical practice doctor of psychology degree, but the content would now be irrelevant to my career direction. Since all the doors are opening for this new(ish) career, I can have my pick of degree type without worrying about licensing requirements. Of course I want to do the degree that will best inform me to help my clients in specific ways. I'm thinking of specializing in conflict management and interpersonal skills in the workplace. The reason I chose relationships and executives as my focus is they both require a systems orientation. I prefer tracking patterns over helping individuals in deep ways (identity, self-esteem, purpose, emotion management, etc.).

This is very exciting! I feel so much relief and passion and can't stop studying the subjects every single day without breaks (for now, as that'll calm down). I read that the best way to find out if you'd like being a coach is to find out if you enjoy being coached. I've now had 3 coaching sessions of my own and, incidentally, I do enjoy it when the coach is good and gives me structure and throught-provoking questions. My training program requires peer coaching for 12 sessions, so I'll be having more and also giving some.

That above way of finding out suitability is probably also applicable to becoming a therapist. I didn't really get into therapy personally and only needed very specific things from psychologists (like my AS diagnosis), then I was done. But I could easily get into a longer process of coaching.

Negative Heels and Totally Flat Shoes for Women
A description of my favorite Earth brand negative heel shoes and various brands of completely flat shoes with zero incline for comfort, joint relief, and back health.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1660883/negative_heels_and_totally_flat_shoes.html

My Miss California rant

By now, I’m sure almost everyone heard about Miss California’s controversial answer to Perez Hilton’s question on the Miss USA 2009 pageant. If you haven't: he asked her if she thought the rest of the states should legalize gay marriage.

While Miss California had every right to express her own opinion and can be given points for courage, she wasn't very diplomatic for someone in a pageant, nor did she consider her judges and audience while selecting her wording. Even if one didn’t need to be diplomatic and fully representative as Miss USA, she should have considered this: People, as always, have strong feelings about their views, and judges are fallible as many humans are in that they may not always have the ability to differentiate thoughts from feelings within short moments of time. Of course, they're going to vote against someone whose statements piss them off. She still came pretty far by making second place, though, meaning she wasn't actually "disqualified" as Bill O'Reilly thinks. Judging a pageant is so subjective anyway.

It's not what she said, it's how she said it. So I'm with Perez on that aspect. She even stated in interviews afterward that she would have phrased it differently if she could do it again and that she was too nervous to think as well as she would have liked. Do I wish her style of thinking could be thrown in the garbage like last week's moldy leftovers? Yes, of course. But had she answered it more generally and maybe, following that, added her personal view as an ending note, I wouldn't have had as much problem with her.

I don't give her intelligence points because she doesn't differentiate between church and state marriage - just as our current system doesn't, unfortunately. If it were me answering the question, I'd have said let people have their religious marriages however they like (most traditional religions being heterosexist for procreation reasons and to avoid the discomfort and threat of change without adequate knowledge), but civil marriages can't exclude a certain subgroup and be just in the American way at the same time. (Civil unions don’t bestow the same benefits as marriage, as the system stands. Why don’t we just call all legal marriages “civil unions” and call ceremonial marriages “marriage”?) The developments of this day and age have become a wake-up call that the institution has violated this separation principle in a way that has been taken for granted. And there's more than enough documented empirical evidence that gay unions and gay-headed families do not harm society or create more gays.

The other thing that bothered me about her answer was the way she said people "choose" to have same-sex marriages, which gave me the sense that she also believes sexual orientation is a choice. (It turned out my intuition was right, since I read this later: http://perezhilton.com/2009-04-27-did-she-really-just-say-that) Again, there's evidence saying otherwise: it's biologically hardwired, and if people can choose which gender to date, it means they're wired a priori to be bisexual. A major brain structure determining sexual preference – a part of the hypothalamus - has varying sizes among the sexual orientations, and correspondence between size and orientation can be experimentally induced in animals. The list goes on...

But it's so much more convenient not to bother looking up this sort of information, isn’t it?

Easier to simply think that if you’re straight and you want to be, then everyone else can be whatever they want to be. (As opposed to hiding what they naturally and unchangeably are versus not hiding it, based on social pressure. Or just choosing the socially acceptable route if you’re bi.)

6 of the Best Herbs and Supplements for Relaxation, Anxiety and Insomnia
Certain herbs, minerals, and homeopathic supplements have a calming, relaxing effect that may be useful for frayed nerves, restlessness, anxiety, overstimulation and insomnia. These are a few favorites that I use on a regular basis.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1610642/6_of_the_best_herbs_and_supplements.html

How to Deal with Emotions and Relationships
Using emotions as tools for healthy decision-making, mood improvement, conflict resolution and relationship improvement.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1599516/how_to_deal_with_emotions_and_relationships.html

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Learn why 2 surprisingly obscure methods to maintaining your health will save you from needing to visit the doctor due to sickness and various other problems.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1592559/2_natural_supplements_that_can_ease.html